The Haiti Conspiracy Theories

(image from the UN Development Programme, used under a CC license)

Would-be ethnographers of the web such as ourselves are often advised to try to take a neutral stance on conspiracy theories, seeking to take a position of 'negative capability', resulting in the publication of posts which take a reasonable, balanced and calm approach to the issue at hand.

This is not one of those posts.

'If you think you know what the hell is going on, you're probably full of shit' - Robert Anton Wilson

It took less than a week for the Haiti conspiracy theories to gather a head of steam, culminating in a series of claims so bizarre, random and clearly bonkers that they make the 9/11 Truthers and the Birthers look like an emminently reasonable bunch.

Contrary to what the foaming-at-the mouth fundies are saying, the Haiti earthquake was not the result of the Haitians doing a deal with the devil, or because someone test-detonated a soopah-seekrit Tesla weapon, or because Obama wanted to look good but because Haiti is located above a hugely volatile tectonic area. That's 'tectonics'.

Central to the claims swishing about on the web is a particular webpage, containing one of the most hair-brained explanations for a natural disaster ever posited - a plot so totally mental that wouldn't look out of place in a Bond villians' monologue. Specifically, there is this list of 13 reasons to suspect HAARP caused Haiti quake, which is just about the dumbest thing to appear on the web since Sarah Palin's twitter feed comments on climate change.

All of this in spite of the evidence that Haiti has a long painful history of natural disasters, with recorded earthquakes in 1860, 1770, 1761, 1751, 1684, 1673 and 1618.

Anyway, if you want a proper sober analysis of some of the more moonbat theories that have started kicking around about Haiti, look no further than the ever-sensible Arthur Goldwag:

'I like the idea that the New World Order is so powerful that it can cause the earth to tremble, but so inept that 1) It needs to resort to science fiction weaponry and disinformation disseminated via T-shirts to secure as militarily weak a country as Haiti, and 2) That even though it hurls thunderbolts like Zeus, it has the eyesight of Mr. Magoo-it can't distinguish one Caribbean island from another.'

Read more at Goldwag

UPDATE

Hugo Chavez adds his voice to the growing army of morons falling over themselves to claim that the Haiti quake was the result of a test-detonation of a secret weapon:

UPDATE

Arthur Goldwag on the HAARP Theories:

Resonance frequency took down tacoma bridge with just the wind, resonance from the atmosphere can produce constructive interference underground.

All they're crap. These guys do not what to think. You should think of the people under the rubble. To tell them that.

Resonance, really? So something vibrating would cause another huge something to vibrate. And the constructive interference,a wave like this wouldn't come out of nowhere now would it.

Did some kind of brainwashed kid write this??

Who are you telling people to take this for granted??

Some loose opinions.. No arguments..

You are even worse then those conspiracy theorists..

But hey, thats the American way, isnt it??

Greatings from Holland..

Greetings from Ireland. That's Ireland. Not America.

But hey, that's the Dutch way isn't it?

I actually believe these theories. why is it that there is so much media around this. why hasn't there been media around how global warming is effecting development in africa. why doesn't the media show Iraqi's dieing everyday. the only people who are brainwashed are one's who actually listen to what ever the media portrays. seriously do some research and you'll realize that everything the U.S does is backed up by a hidden agenda. I'm not saying that we shouldn't help haiti I'm just saying don't be blinded into believing empty facts. why in the world would a president accuse a country of causing the earthquake in their country if there wasn't some truth to it. the next time you donate just make sure the money is actually reaching those kids.

D,
could you not just consider the possibility that Chavez is a raving loon? He has something of a history of this - accusing the U.S. of being complicit in anything that goes wrong anywhere on the planet. Mostly, I suspect, because it plays well amongst his electorate.

check out the dead man musings conspiracy forum!

Great blog. Pact with the Devil? Maybe this Pat Robertson has read too much of The Comedians by Grahame Green. Your link was unavailable but this is a great comeback ripping apart his argument http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59NCduEhkBM&feature=fvw

Haitians are crying for help. The world specially the sole super power should work hard for their revival.

Conspiracy theories are nothing more than bored people trying to get a bit of excitement in their lives! Next we'll be hearing that undergorund shapeshifting lizards were short of blood to drink so caused the earthquake to stock up on food!

Wake up fluoride drinkers.

Google Tesla and his research he had this technology 100 years ago nothing new here.