Sometime in August 2004
Sean: So, the thing is this. Lucas right, that cunt, when he goes to re-edit the special edition of Star Wars, no wait, I'm sorry, Episode four, he decides to fuck with the greatest screen entrance. Ever.
Me: Huh?
Sean: Remember when you first see Han Solo?
Me: Um, yeah.
Sean: In the bar right?
Me: Yeah, in the bar...
Sean: Right. The bar. And what does Han do?
Me: What do you mean?
Sean: With Greedo...
Me: Oh. Yeah. Ehm, he shoots him...
Sean: Right. Shoots the freaky green fucker dead. In cold blood. Blows him away. Doesn't blink. Chucks a coin on the table and says .'Sorry about the mess'.
Me: Yeah, cool...
Sean: So. What does Lucas do to the meanest, coolest entrance to a movie ever? What does he do to the greatest introduction to a charecter ever?
Me: Ehm...
Sean: He cuts his balls off.
Me: Sorry?
Sean: Cuts his balls off. He edited the movie so that a special effect makes it look like Greedo fired first.
Me: What?
Sean: I'm serious. Greedo fires first in the Special Edition. Han Solo has his balls cut off. The character is emasculated. A big CGI sciccors comes in, his cacks are reefed off, his balls are yanked down and snip. Balls cut off. As a result, Han Solo is walking around for three movies with no balls.
(pause)
Me: Pint?
Sean: Yeah sound. Carlsberg.
Root out a SouthPark episode called Free Hat - the plot involves the 4 kids trying to prevent Lucas and Spielberg from revamping Raiders of the Lost Ark. Heartbreakingly funny stuff.
Brilliant - reminds me of that great Darth Vader/Nubian God bit in 'Chasing Amy':
HOOPER
Always some white boy gotta invoke `the holy trilogy'! Bust this - those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother man down - even in a galaxy far, far away. Check this shit. You got cracker farm-boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy - blond hair, blue eyes. And then you've got Darth Vader: the blackest brother in the galaxy. Nubian God.
Now Vader, he's a spiritual brother, with the force and all that shit. Then this cracker Skywalker gets his hands on a light-saber, and the boy decides he's gonna run the fucking universe - gets a whole Klan of whites together, and they're gonna bust up Vader's `hood the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that!
BANKY
Intergalactic Civil War!
HOOPER
Gentrification. They're gonna drive our the black element, to make the galaxy quote, unquote `safe' for white folks.
HOLDEN
But Vader turns, out to be Luke's father. And in Jedi, they become friends.
HOOPER
Don't make me bust a cap in your ass, yo! Jedi's the most insulting installment, because Vader's beautiful, black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty white man! They're trying to tell us that deep inside, we all want to be white!
But Lando got to fly the Millenium Falcon.
If you think thats bad wait till the "official" dvd box set (as opposed to that dodgy boxset I got in bejing)comes out in september
Theres rumours of lucas having done a cut and paste job adding in scenes filmed during the shooting of Ep's I-III .So expect to see wedged in CGI jar-jars and those stretchy aliens from EPII, Never mind the idea of Darth sans mask redone to look like hayden christianson(or whatever his name is ).Plus all of the stormtroopers will have been redubbed to sound like kiwi's ...probably.
Expect to see the grounds of Lucas's skywalker ranch full lots of fat starwars fanboys setting fire to themselves in silent protest next month....