Conversations from a Spanish hotel room

Me: Well, go on then.
Donnie: Well, I'm at home. And I'm feeling a bit frisky.
Me: Watching porn again?
Donnie: No, just got home from teaching.
Me: Oh.
Donnie: So, I decide to whack one off...
Me: Okay.
Donnie: Uh huh. So, obviously, I make sure that the flatmates are out, the door is closed...
Me: Not taking any chances like?
Donnie: Exactly. I make sure that the cat is outside as well.
Me: Sound.
Donnie: So, I'm whacking off, ok?
Me: Yeah
Donnie: I'm standing up, whacking off and the next...
Me: What?
Donnie: What?
Me: Standing up?
Donnie: Yeah...
Me: You jerk off standing up?
Donnie: Well, not normally, no. But it was a warm day.
Me: Holy shite on earth...
Donnie: So, anyway, I'm whacking off. Having a great time. Thinking about *******, ok?
Me: Grand
Donnie: Next thing I know, a great streak of jizz...
Me: Jesus scuttering fuck..
Donnie: ...shoots across the room...
(hysterical laughter)
Me: Fuck's sakes
(more laughter)
Donnie: And I hear this... oh God...
(tumbleweed rolls by)
Me: What?
Donnie: I hear this.. oh Jesus... I can't even say it man...
Me: What? What was it?
Donnie: (gulps) A 'miaow'
Me: Come again?
Donnie: This miaow. Like, from a cat?
Me: Oh dear God. You didn't...
Donnie: I did. I hit the cat. I hit the fucking kitten. Slap bang in the mush. The fucking thing was sitting there looking at me, with a huge blob of spunk dangling off it's forehead. It must have been in the room the whole time and emerged just as I was, well, you know... Anyway. Twasn't funny. Seriously man, you try washing spunk off a kitten's face in the bathroom sink ten minutes before you know your flatmates are coming home. I'm telling you, it is not a pleasant experience.
Me: Oh. My. God.
(two minutes pass)
Donnie: Dude?
Me: Yeah
Donnie: what ya thinking?
me: I was thinking that when I was in your flat the other day, the cat licked my face.
Donnie: uhm... Dude?
Me: Yeah
Donnie: I think we need a beer.
Me: Dude...