January 2006 Archives

Hit men. Low-life, amoral, degenerate scum or valuable servants of the community? Well, despite a raft of Hollywood movies that have tried to paint these button-men as loveable rogues who only kill those that 'deserve it' (see Grosse Point Blank, Leon and the recent Matador) professional assasins still seem to get a bad press.

Except in this instance, rather than a hit-man finding himself in hot agua for offing someone that the law had rather lived, one particular 'cleaner' has found himself on the wrong side of a law-suit for failing to 'execute' the terms of a contract that he signed with a depressed Englishwoman:

'Christine Ryder paid Kevin Reeves a total of $20,000 to end her life when she was feeling depressed. He promised to find a hitman, and then even offered to do it himself. However, all he did was keep the money - so Mrs Ryder filed a complaint for breach of contract.

Maidstone Crown Court heard the pair met when they were being treated for mental health problems in hospital.

At one point Reeves promised she would be killed in a drive-by shooting on a certain date, but then rang her to say he had had to kill the hitman and pay her money to his widow.

Instead of carrying out the murder, he took his wife on an expensive holiday to Tenerife, the Times reported. A jury found him guilty of deception. He was jailed for 15 months and ordered to pay his would-be victim $2,000 compensation.'

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I'm depressed, please shoot me

As I write this, the permanent members of the UN Security Council (surely one of the more absurd oxymorons in common usage) are tearing their hair out at the prospect that Iran is making it's nuclear move: claiming that they want to develop nuclear energy.

Britain, France, Germany and the USA are all looking at the long-term benefits of developing Nuclear energy, but are having a hissy-fit about Iran's plans to do the same. Of course, there is that small problem with the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad publicly stating that he believes the Holocaust is a fiction and that he wants Isreal 'wiped off the map', but hey, what's new?

Bearing all of this in mind, I thought that it might be worth looking at the work of Michael Light, specifically his 100 Suns Project:

'Between July 1945 and November 1962 the United States is known to have conducted 216 atmospheric and underwater nuclear tests. After the Limited Test Ban Treaty between the U.S. and the Soviet Union in 1963, nuclear testing went underground. It became literally invisible - but more frequent: the United States conducted a further 723 underground tests until 1992.

100 SUNS documents the era of visible nuclear testing, the atmospheric era, with 100 photographs drawn by Michael Light from the archives at Los Alamos National Laboratory and the U.S. National Archives in Maryland. It includes previously classified material from the clandestine Lookout Mountain Air Force Station based in Hollywood, whose film directors, cameramen, and still photographers were sworn to secrecy.'

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100 Suns

We've all known the irritation of a song that gets played too much. Indeed, last year, I spent several months fighting off an almost overwhelming urge to beat someone to death every time I heard the Crazy Frog song.

And yes, sometimes, late at night, I can still hear the annoying little fucker blithering away. I honestly mean this: I wished with all of my human strength that the cretinous cuntsplatter that was responsible for that hideous little bubole on society's ass would die screaming after contracting a particularly vicious STD, hitherto unknown outside of the greater pig family. But I digress.

An Australian woman, clearly feeling somewhat irked that her husband chose to play Elvis' 'Burning Love' over and over again, decided to resolve the situation by repeatedly stabbing her husband in the back with a pair of scissors:

An Australian woman will face court on Tuesday charged with repeatedly stabbing her partner because he played an Elvis Presley song over and over again, police said on Tuesday.

Police said the 30-year-old woman was charged with unlawful wounding after her 35-year-old partner was stabbed with a pair of scissors in the back, shoulder and thigh at Northam, about 100 km (62 miles) east of Perth in Western Australia state on Monday.

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Elvis made me stab my man

Election promises. We've all heard them. And sadly, it appears, many of us still fall for them. But, it would seem, one elderly Italian woman has had enough of the bullshit and is getting litigious.

'A 78-year-old Italian woman is suing Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi because her pension has not been raised despite his pre-electoral pledge five years ago.

Back in 2001, when he was leading the centre-right opposition, Berlusconi said during a television talk show that if voted into office he would boost pensions to at least 516 euros ($624) per month as part of his "contract with Italians"'.

This makes for a fascinating little conundrum. Could I, for example, sue Bertie Ahern (the Irish politician) for lying to the people of Ireland about not joining the Partnership for Peace without a referendum and then doing just that when he came to power? I'm quite sure that any of you reading this, could probably think of other examples of politicians telling bare-faced lies before elections...

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See you in Court...

A new restaurant will be opening soon in London. And the uber-funky, 10 out of 10 on a total-trendy-London-cunt hook? That's right, the staff are blind and will bring you your food in the dark.

"Edouard de Broglie is convinced he is on to a winner with "Dans Le Noir" (In The Dark) which opens in London next month. Exporting a formula he launched in Paris with his first dining-in-the-dark restaurant, de Broglie believes it is a perfect way to savour food by just using the taste buds.

He is currently hiring 10 blind people as waiters who will lead diners into the darkened room for a blind tasting with a difference. Customers are guided in from a normally lit bar where they pick what they will eat. In Paris, 80 percent of the clients opt for the surprise menu."

Next month, (we've been informed by a random punter that I spoke to in the pub toilets last night) will see the launch of 'Legless', a new phantasmagorical, gastronomic culinary experience where steaming plates of tripe are served by Bosnian bi-lateral amputees on the empty husks of the land-mines that blew their legs off, as they whizz their way around on skateboards. Proprietor, Jean-Jacques LeCunt is adamant that it will bring great shelf-loads of cash from thick, fashion-mad London assholes who will do just about anything to look like they are 'with it'.

LeCunt hopes to use the success of 'Legless' to finance his dream restaurant - 'Spunk', where cum-splattered, 13-year-old Latvian girls on Rollerskates serve punters stale beer and rancid pork-scratchings whilst poking themselves with rolled-up copies of the 'Big Issue'. Mingin.

'Soccer Moms'. I just love that expression. It conjures so many wonderful images that I barely have space in this feeble little blog to do this most excellent of modern phrases such justice. Sad little man that I am, it summons for me images of gas-guzzling SUV's, ill-concieved football team names (Brokeback Mountain Fairies, Dusty Canyon Raiders) and slightly bewildered American children chasing a bag of wind around a patch of grass as their parents whoop, holler and scream blue murder at said child to chase said bag of wind around said patch of grass. Of course, all the stress aside there's the occasional fun road trip, eh?

Indeedy. And one such group of families, on one such trip recently found themselves sharing a hotel with not, as they may have expected, other 'Soccer families' but with a hotel full of horny swingers. Cue much embarrasment, Chevy Chase like comedy and gratuitous use of jokes involving the lines 'Crouching Peter, Hidden Talent'. Or is that 'Crouching Homo, Hidden Hamster'? Nevermind.

Paul Camporini brought his wife, seventh-grade daughter and eighth-grade son from Safety Harbor and said he had to "delicately explain to my Catholic school children that swingers change partners during the evening."

"My biggest gripe is that the hotel had two distinctly different groups under the same roof," said Camporini, 49. "A soccer team and middle-aged swingers should not have been booked together."

The families said the sexually adventurous partygoers sometimes flashed breasts and bare buttocks in front of the children as they sashayed through the hotel atrium. The parents described the dress at the Crowne Plaza Hotel-Airport in Orlando as "raunchy, despicable and worse than prostitutes."

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Crouching swinger, Hidden football boot

Found? Well, not so much found as revealed. The 9/11 atrocities were always going to be rich material for conspiracy theorists - what with the almost supernatural manner of the attacks, the endless blame-game and the US governments's rather shabby handling of the aftermath.

One of the central mysteries has always surrounded the infamous Black boxes which every airplane carries. Some had suggested that they had simply been incinerated in the unimaginably high temperatures that were created by the igniting aviation fuel. Other suggested that they had been whisked away for examination and that their contents were kept hidden to protect the evil, nefarious masons/illuminati/Jews that had planned the whole foul thing.

Except that now, it seems that they were not lost at all. Counterpunch are claiming that the FBI has them:

One of the more puzzling mysteries of 9-11 is what ever happened to the flight recorders of the two planes that hit the World Trade Center towers. Now it appears that they may not be missing at all.

Counterpunch has learned that the FBI has them.

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Missing Black Boxes in World Trade Center Attacks Found by Firefighters

This can't be happening

Conspiracy Planet

9/11 Truth

Ye canny make this stuff up I tells ya. Helen Smitham, 25, of Distington in northwest England admitted herself to hospital on December 24th, complaining of stomach pain. She reckoned that the difficulty was a dodgy kebab that she had snaffled the previous evening. What she didn't know was that she was actually giving birth.

The baby was born on xmas eve, weighing in at a rather small four pounds and 11 ounces (2.1 kilogrammes). The Yahoo news report (via the Sun, of course) also tells us that 'Smitham's boyfriend Mark Askew, 41, was also flabbergastered.' Hehehehe. I'd say he was alright...

I've heard anecdotal stories of this over the years, but have never encountered a case of 'unknown pregnancy' myself. According to Frankly Pregnant (a site containing advice for expectant mums and the pure curious): "Unknown pregnancies seem to be most prevalent in teenage girls. It's possible that some teenagers may not be as familiar with the sexual development of their bodies and/or may be in denial about a pregnancy."

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Woman eats kebab, drops sprog.