Gabby: And welcome back to the studio. Now we can go to pitch side where Filthy Hack is ready to talk to a disconsolate Arsenal captain.

Cut to pitch side where a forlorn Thierry Henry is rubbing an onion across his eyes.

Hack: So, Terry 'ol guv. What happened?
Henry: Weeel. It was a travesty. Everyone was against us. The players played against us. The ref was against us. Ze linesman was against us...
Hack: Yeah yeah, but what about that sitter you missed?
Henry:.. and ze fourf officeeel...
Hack: Uh huh. And that shot?
Henry:... and ze moles dug up ze surface before ze game...
Hack: Terry. Guv. The shot?
Henry: ...und ehmmmmm, ze Opus Dei were trying to kill us and eat us, ze freemasons abducted our kit-man, ze CIA bugged our dressing room...
Hack: Terry?
Henry:... ze funky-lookeeeng aliens bummed Sol in is hotel rooom and ze Spurs team send us sum pasta and ze...
Hack: TERRY! THE SHOT.
Just off camera Ronaldinho is draping a Barca flag across Henry's shoulders.
Henry:... and ze worms made 'oles on ze grass and ze...

Cut to studio where El Tel is staring at Gabby's breasts.

Gabby: Thierry Henry. A heartbroken man. What do you think Terry? Was he unfairly treated?
El Tel: mmmmmm. ooooo. mmmmmmmmm. middlesboro. mmmm.
Gabby: Terry?