Now don't get me wrong. I love football. I love it so much that I have forgone sex in preference to watching football. I have turned down orgies to watch football. Ok, well not so much with the orgies, but the point stands: I love football.

So, it pains me to say that there have been a number of instances at the current world cup which have prompted an almost overwhelming urge within me to put my boot through the tv screen. There's been some shambolic refereeing. Despite hammering the Serbs 6-0 today, Argentina had a perfectly good goal disallowed and then saw the man who scored it, Crespo, get a yellow card for having the temerity to point out to the linesman and ref that they were, in point of fact, a pair of myopic twats.

But my largest gripe comes not from the predictable cack-handed officialdom, but from the disgustingly unprofessional behaviour of some players, in what can only be described as bare-faced play-acting in an effort to get an opponent booked. Van Persie did it tonight against the Ivorians (Drogba must have loved that) and I'm sure that you've spotted many examples yourself. But by far the worst offenders have been, of course, the Italians.

Diving, cheating, play-acting, moaning, nazi-saluting, bung-taking whining bitches. I truly, deeply hate Italian footballers. Why, can someone please explain to me, does every Italian footballer go to ground writhing and screaming in simulated agony, every time that an opponent challenges him? Watching the Italy vs. Ghana game I lost count of the number of times that I saw Italians hit the deck like they'd been shot when Essien and the lads tackled them. It was utterly embarrasing. Are these guys not ashamed of themselves? Do their countrymen not feel disgusted that their football team are cementing their international reputation as flagrant cheats? Never mind the fact that they behave (and look) like a bunch of mincing, moaning metrosexual shirt-lifters. I don't know why they don't just get it over and done with and put the fucking dresses on.

I hope Italy get through their group. And then I hope they get a team of quality who rip them to shreds and send them home crying to Moma, exposed for what they are: the biggest fannies in the world of football.