(BERLIN) US Special Forces staged a dramatic pitch invasion during the United States vs. Italy World Cup game this evening, after comments from American players about 'greasy, oily Italian bastards' were miscommunicated back to intelligence sources in the Pentagon who informed the White House situation room about a possible threat to American Oil interests in Europe.

Soldiers opened fire on Italian footballers Alessandro Nesta and Francesco Totti, prompting US manager Bruce Arena to state that 'finally, they have a reason to be rolling around on the ground screaming like women in labour'.

Casualty reports are fragmented at this point, but sources close to the White House indicate that several Italians have been subject to 'rendition' orders. Complications arose when US soldiers refused to carry out the orders as the Italian footballers kept hitting on them.

(inspired by a ninebar joke on p45)