(DUBLIN) Bertie Ahern, the Irish Prime Minister (Taoiseach, pronounced 'tee-shock'), announced a daring new initiative this afternoon in an attempt to drive his popularity figures upwards to what many analysts predict could be an all-time high. The Irish Leader announced that he intends to take his entire Parlimentary party to a strip-bar and get them off their faces in a blizzard of cocaine, 'e' and Red Bull. From there, the group will proceed to rob a branch of Allied Irish Bank in O'Connell Street at gunpoint and then drive at break-neck speed to the studios of RTE, the national broadcaster, wherupon Ahern will lead his cabinet in a live, televised orgy of drugs, violent death, under-aged sex and Jaffa cake consumption.
A spokeswoman for Fianna Fail, Ahern's party, lauded the move today a 'ground-breaking political initiative' designed to see 'just how far we can push the Irish people before they kick our fat, bloviating arses out of office' and 'once and for all, prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Irish electorate are a shower of idiotic, crawling mongs who deserve everything that they get'.
Details are scant just now, but sources inside Fianna Fail have hinted to Globaleyes that the show will closely follow a detailed script. Key messages have been honed over the course of the last six months, following a nationwide survey. Sources expect Ahern to focus on getting his central platform of tax evasion, fiscal irreponsibility and bare-faced obfuscation across to the electorate with the daring new party slogan 'These fuckin idiots would still vote for me even if I shat on their sofas and wanked into their toasters. Ha ha. Pass the gak'.
Wouldn't it be a lot easier if he just went on TV and employed some of the mind control techniques used by the likes of Derren Brown for example.
"These are not the tax returns you're looking for"