Tighty Whities Terrorise Virginians

Stateside report from our man in New York, Alex DeJong

At some point in time, we have all committed some sort of fashion folly. I can vividly remember being in fourth grade wearing a pair of zebra striped MC Hammer pants, a neon pink shirt, and air-pump high tops. This was all accompanied by my in vogue hairstyle: a six inch long mullet along with lightning shaped stripes shaved into the sides of my very much confused head.

Nevertheless, I strutted out like a proud peacock, ready to knock the socks off my fifth grade female classmates. Life was good then and if I could do it again, I would. Of course I knew my father, a Coast Guard executive officer, was not very keen on my new faddy fashion. He would keep his nose in the newspaper and whisper to himself, “not from my side.”

Nor do I remember seeing my once beloved cat, which replaced her comforting purring with a quick hiss and puffed tail whenever I strutted by her with my altered apparel. Still, I stuck to my guns and wouldn’t have anyone else tell me other wise. If Slater from “Saved by the Bell” could wear tight pleated plants and puffy Hawaiian shirts on national television, why couldn’t I willfully embarrass myself as well?

This reflection comes to mind after hearing that Virginia, which claims to be the state for lovers, is on the brink of passing a law to outlaw a widely used fashion. What is it you ask?

It is the ubiquitous poco-dot boxer, the provocative thong strap, the overused briefs, the granny panties, the all-in-all drawers that have become a formidable force within the culture of our youth.

Kids all over Virginia are touting their undergarments in broad day light and terrorizing the elderly. Random car accidents, heart attacks, and strokes have been occurring near all of the local teenage hangouts. But beyond the harmful effects of this new style, many feel it is a freedom of expression.

So I ask the representatives of Virginia. What did your father and mother think of your long hair, unkempt beards, tie die shirts, tight plad pants, and flower toting propaganda? Didn’t they fear for the future of humanity based upon your choice of style? I for one appose the passing of a law that would punish someone for his/her personal taste, especially in terms of underwear preference.

Admit it, we all have different drawers for special occasion whether we're seeking sex, comfort, humor, or sex. Whether you hook your thong straps around your ears or hold your Bud in your britches, I say let it show! Let your undergarments to express themselves! Viva la tighty whitey!

(If this law should pass, the South shall officially be determined backwards as well as a new haven for terrorists).

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editors note: we here at the blather team are currently endeavouring to bring you a top quality range of thongs, jock-straps and assorted ball-stranglers, all carrying that cool, classic blather brand. but we're not quite there yet. in the meantime, you can sate yourself by purchasing the spectacularly spiffy 'wokka wokka' underpants (pictured above) here.

Dang, for a moment there I thought they'd banned all underwear in Cavan...

It is comical to think that a law like that would be passed - as unconstitutional as it is. But it wouldn't be the first - there is a law right now in 49 of the 50 states (mine being the only on that stands alone) and it being "The Seat Belt Law" Widely recognized for it's safety and life saving ability, if you're not wearing one (in any state except NH) you will be fined - even thought the only person you're endangering is yourself. Completed fecked up I say. But I am still putting my money down that it won't pass.

And are those Wonka underwear brown for a reason?

Beg to differ on the 'endangering no one but yerself argument' on seatbelts - people get killed by other passengers flying around inside the car too...

that might be, but i doubt that is in any arguements as to why that law was passed. If that be the case, they would outlaw any loose articles in a vehicle - be it CD's or soda cans. There are so many things in the car that can do you in - did you know you can become partially decapitated in an accident if your selt belt is too high? It should be on your shoulder - not anywhere near you neck. I learned this from and EMS driver. Now I am totally paranoid about seat belts.

Perhaps the law should pass a bill for the elderly to keep their eyes on the road.