Irish Priests rocked by allegations of not molesting children

Shock, dismay and outrage greeted today's announcement that members of the Irish clergy stand accused of keeping a respectful distance from children and not violently buggering every child under the age of ten to death with an assortment of prize-winning vegetables.

The allegations were carried in today's newspapers after the publication yesterday lunchtime of a 600-page report on the sexual and private activities of 2,000 members of the Irish clergy. Over the period of seven exhaustive months, the Priests were polled, examined, briefed, de-briefed, probed, prodded, strung up on meat hooks, slapped around the head with a copy of the Bible whilst a large, hairy tattooed man called 'Big Osama' screeched passages of the Koran at them through a 30 foot megaphone whilst pelting them with balls of altar boys' shit.

'I'm horrified,' said Colm O'Pinionated, a local politician from Ballybanjoplucker, Co. Donegal. 'It's outrageous behaviour - quite simply unacceptable in our modern society. No child should have to live in fear of such exclusion and the horrifying peer-pressure that follows the admission of not being rogered senseless by a black-clad Nazi whilst shrieking the Hail Mary in the key of C.'

Government spokesmen were also quick to condemn the findings of the report. 'How are we supposed to create an equal and inclusive society when the Catholic Church seems hell-bent on excluding every child in our society? The effects of this are devastating on the community. No tribunals. No investigations. No brown envelopes changing hands in piss-drenched city-centre car-parks. How is our economy supposed to flourish when the Catholic Church is doing its utmost to keep people out of counselling, out of doctors surgeries, emergency wards, out of AA meetings, out of drug rehab clinics and off our TVs?'

Earlier today, Blather contacted a spokesman for the Catholic Church seeking a comment. Sadly, no one was available to comment as all members of the cloth were attending their weekly DaVinci Code burning.

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