Taoist Problem Page

Do you need answers?! Here are letters taken from the problem pages of magazines. They were meant for run-of-the-mill agony aunts, but we showed them to our own Taoist sage, who is never wrong!

Should I give myself to him?
“I’m still a virgin. In fact, up until now, I’ve never had a boyfriend – although I’m in love with a lad at work. The snag is, he has a girlfriend. However, she lives miles away, and rarely comes to see him. When she does visit, I have to pretend to be her friend just so that me and this lad can still spend time together. If I’m honest, things have started progressing sexually between us. We tell our mates that we’re ‘just friends’ but, frankly, there’s more going on than that. I love this lad and want him to be with me properly. Should I show him how I feel? I think I’d be better for him than his girlfriend. Kelly, 21.” Chat

The Sage says: In your life, you will have sex with many unscrupulous opportunists; you may as well start now.

Barry Kavanagh comments: The Sage knows well the ancient Taoist teaching! On his deathbed, the philosopher Chuang Tzu asked that his body be left outside on the ground. He was not concerned that wild scavengers would consume him, because if he was buried, worms would eat him just the same.

Is three one too many?
“I’m a man whose wildest fantasy has just come true. My girlfriend has just told me that her best friend wants a threesome with us. So why am I hesitating? Why do I think it might not be such a good idea?” That’s Life!

The Sage says: The spontaneity has gone; forget it.

Barry Kavanagh comments: The Sage is indeed wise! It is said that a good swimmer forgets the water.

o sage!
i've been having uncontrollable fanatsies about feeding estate agents into a giant blender and serving them to squirrels.

what do you recommend?

The, er, Sage is currently on a farm in Norway and needs to fly back to Dublin to his ancient elders' house to check his ancient Taoist books for answers to your particular quandary. (Perhaps your question indicates a pressing need among the Blather readership for "Taoist advice" but I doubt it)

Blend the f*ckers, twice.