Dear Nuala,

Many thanks you for your very detailed letter, the knitted scarf, the scone with a currant resembling Our Lady, the portion of holy water from your trip to Medjugorje in 1986 and most of all, for the beautiful medal of St. Gobshine, minted especially for the millennium. I need all the help I can get in this election, particularly when it comes to answering the increasing volume of correspondence I now receive from concerned citizens groups such as yourselves and your Brie Party.

I can't say that I have come across your group before now; but in relation to some of your concerns regarding the "unprecedented moral decline that is sweeping the country", I can wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment of "something needs to be done". I pray that if elected, I may contribute towards this. Having said that, I wonder whether some of your more energetic suggestions may be a little extreme?

For instance, while I would support any initiative that tackles under-age drinking and antisocial behaviour, I fear that sending out fleets of black mariah vans on Friday evenings to "round up those feral packs of painted jezebel skankwhore slutbags gyrating down Grafton Street in their skimpy skirts and harlot heels with their jiggly bits and shaved gashes on plain view to all and sundry" might not be the most effective way of communicating such a valuable message to the youth of today.

Likewise, your proposal of extending the Angelus to five times a day, with 15 minutes compulsory praying at each tolling of the bells, while laudable; may in fact be received in a rather negative fashion by the more secular members of society, not to mention the Irish Islamic community.

If elected, I would certainly at least look into the feasibility of replacing the O'Connell monument with a statue of Daniel O'Donnell, but I stress that local views would have to be entertained in this matter, particularly any such proposals to rename the main boulevard of our capital: 'O'Donnell Street'.

The re-introduction of the Latin Mass, alongside the beatification of Peig Sayers, are both noble pursuits which I could certainly offer my support with; but I would have to decline any such part in your proposal for the "forced sterilisation of Protestants, Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons and members of SIPTU." Really now, there's no call for that class of thing.

As regards the "annexation of Scotland and re-invasion of Lower Sassanach (Wales), based on previous Irish precedents/conquests in the sixth century AD"; I wonder, would that not be against several EU treaties and legislation? If so, then I'm afraid my hands are tied in that particular matter.

Also, the very idea of "replacing An Garda Siochana with members of the Knights of Columbanus, armed with kalashnikovs for good measure" is one that I fear would be rather problematic regarding the constitutional legalities of doing such a thing.

May I wish you and all the members of the Brie Party, the very best of luck in your attempts at the "establishment of cordial relations/student swap programme with Cuba and North Korea leading to the eventual foundation of the Axis of Holy Catholic Chastity, Charity and Cheesmaking". Education is a fundamental priority for myself and the party.

I trust this letter finds you well and would be most grateful if you could find your way to giving me your No. 1 on Election Day.

Is mise le meas,
A O'Candidate

Image from Flickr Commons, used under a CC Licence