Irish Government Cancels St. Patrick's Day
Posted by blather at 3:30 PM on March 15, 2011
[Dublin] Government sources have revealed that a cabinet decision reached late last night, will result in the cancellation of this years St. Patrick's Day celebrations in Ireland. Blather.net understands that all parades, parties and festivities will be banned, and anyone found in breach will be liable to substantial fines, custodial sentences and/or deportation. The new Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Enda Kenny, is expected to make the controversial announcement within the next 24 hours; thought to be directly related to Ireland's ongoing financial crisis.
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Posted by blather at 3:30 PM on March 15, 2011
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Louther than bombs: Louth ceded to British Crown, along with Gerry Adams
Posted by blather at 11:06 AM on March 2, 2011
Enda Kenny, Ireland's next premier, is rumoured to be considering bequeathing the entire territory of County Louth to the British Crown. Anonymous Blather sources deep within the Fine Gael mothership suggest the ceding of the county is being seriously considered as 'a timely and appropriate gift to Her Majesty', Queen Elizabeth II, current reigning monarch of the United Kingdom, who is due to make a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland later this year.
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Posted by blather at 11:06 AM on March 2, 2011
Enda Kenny, Ireland's next premier, is rumoured to be considering bequeathing the entire territory of County Louth to the British Crown. Anonymous Blather sources deep within the Fine Gael mothership suggest the ceding of the county is being seriously considered as 'a timely and appropriate gift to Her Majesty', Queen Elizabeth II, current reigning monarch of the United Kingdom, who is due to make a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland later this year.
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Sinn Fein Stunned To Find Signs Of Civilisation South of Border
Posted by blather at 8:15 AM on March 1, 2011
[DUBLIN] Surprise, dismay and even 'bewilderment' reported as newly elected Sinn Fein TDs discover that the Republic of Ireland is a mostly functioning state and not the 'backward, famine-riddled, priest-ridden, dung-heap of in-bred mucksavages' they were expecting.
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Posted by blather at 8:15 AM on March 1, 2011
[DUBLIN] Surprise, dismay and even 'bewilderment' reported as newly elected Sinn Fein TDs discover that the Republic of Ireland is a mostly functioning state and not the 'backward, famine-riddled, priest-ridden, dung-heap of in-bred mucksavages' they were expecting.
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Gerry Adams Under Attack After Not Mentioning Bobby Sands In Interview
Posted by blather at 11:43 AM on February 28, 2011
[LOUTH] Just days after being elected TD for Louth, Baron Von Gerry Adams has been criticised for "forgetting his roots", after he allegedly failed to make any mention of hunger striker Bobby Adams in a 30-minute period. Mr Adams' reported lapse occurred during a nationally-broadcast press conference, during a prolonged speech about economics.
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Posted by blather at 11:43 AM on February 28, 2011
[LOUTH] Just days after being elected TD for Louth, Baron Von Gerry Adams has been criticised for "forgetting his roots", after he allegedly failed to make any mention of hunger striker Bobby Adams in a 30-minute period. Mr Adams' reported lapse occurred during a nationally-broadcast press conference, during a prolonged speech about economics.
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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 7. Election Day
Posted by blather at 1:47 PM on February 25, 2011
Dear Constituent,
Good morning. A fine Election Day to you. How are you? Did you sleep? You did? Excellent. Me? Ha. I haven't slept in four days. I haven't eaten solids for six. I can't even remember the last time I had a bowel movement. It may have been two weeks ago, in an Abrakestabra at 3 a.m. I'm not entirely sure. Anyway. The only reason I'm still physically standing is because of an unholy cocktail of billy whizz sulphate, dexys, benzos, amyl nitrate, cocaine and Lucozade sport. But do you hear me complain? You do in yer fuck.
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Posted by blather at 1:47 PM on February 25, 2011
Dear Constituent,
Good morning. A fine Election Day to you. How are you? Did you sleep? You did? Excellent. Me? Ha. I haven't slept in four days. I haven't eaten solids for six. I can't even remember the last time I had a bowel movement. It may have been two weeks ago, in an Abrakestabra at 3 a.m. I'm not entirely sure. Anyway. The only reason I'm still physically standing is because of an unholy cocktail of billy whizz sulphate, dexys, benzos, amyl nitrate, cocaine and Lucozade sport. But do you hear me complain? You do in yer fuck.
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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 6
Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on February 23, 2011
Dear Mr. O'Gill,
Many thanks for your letter, which I received last Monday. As you know, I made a campaign promise to personally answer all manifesto related enquiries received; something which I very much regret in recent days. Your 735 page document, with its associated laminated maps, brochures, and cellophane wrapped 'sample products' has not, I'm afraid, given me any reason to change my mind. With the election almost upon us and time being of the essence, I fear this must only be a cursory reply to some of your 'suggestions'.
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Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on February 23, 2011
Dear Mr. O'Gill,
Many thanks for your letter, which I received last Monday. As you know, I made a campaign promise to personally answer all manifesto related enquiries received; something which I very much regret in recent days. Your 735 page document, with its associated laminated maps, brochures, and cellophane wrapped 'sample products' has not, I'm afraid, given me any reason to change my mind. With the election almost upon us and time being of the essence, I fear this must only be a cursory reply to some of your 'suggestions'.
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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 5
Posted by blather at 1:45 PM on February 22, 2011
Dear Harold,
My thanks for your kind letter of Thursday and the commemorative Lough Ness Monster key-ring and t-shirt you enclosed within. I shall, as per my manifesto promise, try to respond to all concerns brought to me by concerned citizens such as yourself. Election Day looms before me like the Grim Reaper on coke, but I shall, ever the public servant, try to address the many issues you raise in your letter.
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Posted by blather at 1:45 PM on February 22, 2011
Dear Harold,
My thanks for your kind letter of Thursday and the commemorative Lough Ness Monster key-ring and t-shirt you enclosed within. I shall, as per my manifesto promise, try to respond to all concerns brought to me by concerned citizens such as yourself. Election Day looms before me like the Grim Reaper on coke, but I shall, ever the public servant, try to address the many issues you raise in your letter.
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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 4
Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on February 21, 2011
Dear Scutzer,
Many thanks for your very interesting letter which I received last week. It did however take several attempts on behalf of some of my staff to decipher the more unusual idiosyncrasies of your turn of phrase; so you will have to forgive me if I cannot address all your points in their entirety.
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Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on February 21, 2011
Dear Scutzer,
Many thanks for your very interesting letter which I received last week. It did however take several attempts on behalf of some of my staff to decipher the more unusual idiosyncrasies of your turn of phrase; so you will have to forgive me if I cannot address all your points in their entirety.
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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 3
Posted by blather at 9:26 AM on February 18, 2011
Dear Conor,
Many thanks for your letter of last week. The election seems to be going right down to the wire, yet, as promised, I shall endeavour to reply to all correspondence from concerned citizens such as yourself.
That said, I fear that you may find yourself disappointed with many of my replies to your letter. I simply fear that were I to 'conscript myself' to you and your organisations' requests and agenda, that Ireland may find itself in a situation even more precarious than the one that faces it now. I politely suggest that turning the country into a 'heavily-guarded fortress, manned by a large, independent miltia armed to the teeth with guns, guns and more guns, ever at the ready to fend off the invading Albionites' may be a step too far for myself and the members of my party.
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Posted by blather at 9:26 AM on February 18, 2011
Dear Conor,
Many thanks for your letter of last week. The election seems to be going right down to the wire, yet, as promised, I shall endeavour to reply to all correspondence from concerned citizens such as yourself.
That said, I fear that you may find yourself disappointed with many of my replies to your letter. I simply fear that were I to 'conscript myself' to you and your organisations' requests and agenda, that Ireland may find itself in a situation even more precarious than the one that faces it now. I politely suggest that turning the country into a 'heavily-guarded fortress, manned by a large, independent miltia armed to the teeth with guns, guns and more guns, ever at the ready to fend off the invading Albionites' may be a step too far for myself and the members of my party.
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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 2
Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on February 17, 2011

Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on February 17, 2011
Dear Nuala,
Many thanks you for your very detailed letter, the knitted scarf, the scone with a currant resembling Our Lady, the portion of holy water from your trip to Medjugorje in 1986 and most of all, for the beautiful medal of St. Gobshine, minted especially for the millennium. I need all the help I can get in this election, particularly when it comes to answering the increasing volume of correspondence I now receive from concerned citizens groups such as yourselves and your Brie Party.
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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 1
Posted by blather at 11:31 AM on February 16, 2011
Dear Jim,
thank you for taking the time to correspond with me in this busy run-up to the General Election. I haven't slept in 72 hours, washed for 48 or eaten anything beyond some salted cashew nuts in the last 36 but, as per my manifesto promise, I am committed to answering each and every concern which my potential constituents bring to me, so that together we may build a better Ireland.
I welcome the many points which you made in your 62-page letter/2 GB e-mail and 37 minute podcast. I shall attempt to address some of the most pressing of the many concerns which you raised. Forgive me for not addressing the 147 numbered, cited and cross-referenced points detailed in Appendix C, but I have many constituents to respond to and shall limit myself to a few more general observations. I'm sure you understand.
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Posted by blather at 11:31 AM on February 16, 2011
Dear Jim,
thank you for taking the time to correspond with me in this busy run-up to the General Election. I haven't slept in 72 hours, washed for 48 or eaten anything beyond some salted cashew nuts in the last 36 but, as per my manifesto promise, I am committed to answering each and every concern which my potential constituents bring to me, so that together we may build a better Ireland.
I welcome the many points which you made in your 62-page letter/2 GB e-mail and 37 minute podcast. I shall attempt to address some of the most pressing of the many concerns which you raised. Forgive me for not addressing the 147 numbered, cited and cross-referenced points detailed in Appendix C, but I have many constituents to respond to and shall limit myself to a few more general observations. I'm sure you understand.
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Leinster House Declared 'Green Zone' After Suicide Bombing Narrowly Fails
Posted by ender at 1:45 PM on September 29, 2010
Cementgate: Besieged Irish politicians are breathing a sigh of relief following their lucky escape from the clutches of a would-be suicide bomber early this morning. In a startling incident, a cement truck was driven straight at the gates of Leinster House (the Irish Parliament). It was only by a miracle, that the wrought iron gates managed to impede the trucks entry, thereby saving the parliament from certain construction destruction.
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Posted by ender at 1:45 PM on September 29, 2010
Cementgate: Besieged Irish politicians are breathing a sigh of relief following their lucky escape from the clutches of a would-be suicide bomber early this morning. In a startling incident, a cement truck was driven straight at the gates of Leinster House (the Irish Parliament). It was only by a miracle, that the wrought iron gates managed to impede the trucks entry, thereby saving the parliament from certain More >>
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All-party condemnation for 'sober' TD found working late in Dail office
Posted by ender at 9:00 AM on September 20, 2010
[DUBLIN] Irish TDs (members of parliament) moved this morning to distance themselves from the latest scandal involving alcohol to hit Leinster House (The Irish Parliamentary Building). In a bizarre incident, police officers were called to the Dail at 1am last night, following reports of a solitary TD working late in his office.
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Posted by ender at 9:00 AM on September 20, 2010
[DUBLIN] Irish TDs (members of parliament) moved this morning to distance themselves from the latest scandal involving alcohol to hit Leinster House (The Irish Parliamentary Building). In a bizarre incident, police officers were called to the Dail at 1am last night, following reports of a solitary TD working late in his office.
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Do You Get The Smell Of Porter?
Posted by blather at 3:47 PM on September 14, 2010
'When votes are tight and hard to get
And your currency has also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt -
A pint of plain, is your only man'*
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Posted by blather at 3:47 PM on September 14, 2010
'When votes are tight and hard to get
And your currency has also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt -
A pint of plain, is your only man'*
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Judge forces Dáil members to don 'diapers'
Posted by ender at 8:00 AM on May 17, 2010
A Dáil member having a smoke break outside Leinster House
(image from Cristian.torras used under a Creative Commons License)
[DUBLIN] TWENTY-SEVEN Irish TDs (members of parliament) have lost their High Court challenge to a controversial new Health & Safety regulation which requires politicians to wear 'dung catchers' suspended from their ears. Mr Justice Liam 'No Shit' Sherlock ruled that the incoming regulations were essential in order to manage the increasing amounts of bullshit emanating from Irish politicians.
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Posted by ender at 8:00 AM on May 17, 2010
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Dublin Protest: Worst. Coup. Ever.
Posted by blather at 12:00 PM on May 12, 2010
[Dublin] An attempt to storm the Irish parliament building last night came to a swift and sudden end following some quick thinking by the Gardaí (Irish Police) on duty outside its gate. Faced with a baying mob of about 100 people who broke away from a slightly larger demonstration, about 12 of Templemore's finest successfully defended the seat of Irish power (alongside their sudoku puzzles and cups of cappuccinos) by ingeniously shutting the gates in the rebel scum's faces.
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Posted by blather at 12:00 PM on May 12, 2010
[Dublin] An attempt to storm the Irish parliament building last night came to a swift and sudden end following some quick thinking by the Gardaí (Irish Police) on duty outside its gate. Faced with a baying mob of about 100 people who broke away from a slightly larger demonstration, about 12 of Templemore's finest successfully defended the seat of Irish power (alongside their sudoku puzzles and cups of cappuccinos) by ingeniously shutting the gates in the rebel scum's faces.
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North Clare Tests Nuclear Weapons
Posted by blather at 10:33 PM on May 7, 2010
The Irish Defence Forces late Thursday night carried out a controversial nuclear weapons test below the Cliffs of Moher, as part of a major national project to secure a strong deterrent, in light of recent posturing by Iran, the United States and the United Kingdom. The controversial explosion, which occurred at 10.24pm Thursday night at a depth of 4.4 kilometres below the cliffs, caused a magnitude 2.7 earthquake that caused outrage amongst drinkers in Doolin and Liscannor, after an undisclosed number of pints were spilled.
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Posted by blather at 10:33 PM on May 7, 2010
The Irish Defence Forces late Thursday night carried out a controversial nuclear weapons test below the Cliffs of Moher, as part of a major national project to secure a strong deterrent, in light of recent posturing by Iran, the United States and the United Kingdom. The controversial explosion, which occurred at 10.24pm Thursday night at a depth of 4.4 kilometres below the cliffs, caused a magnitude 2.7 earthquake that caused outrage amongst drinkers in Doolin and Liscannor, after an undisclosed number of pints were spilled.
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The Truth About Nick Clegg's Nazi Roots
Posted by blather at 11:54 AM on April 23, 2010
Obersturmführer Nicholas 'Schifti Schnitzi' Panzerclegg, Berlin 1944
[DUBLIN] After several days of furious sifting through reams of parchment, annals and dusty tomes in the underground sewer that doubles as the bibliotheca blatherum, our must-infested minions have revealed some startling home truths about the true history of Nick Clegg, current pretender to the throne of British* Prime Minister.
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Posted by blather at 11:54 AM on April 23, 2010
Obersturmführer Nicholas 'Schifti Schnitzi' Panzerclegg, Berlin 1944
[DUBLIN] After several days of furious sifting through reams of parchment, annals and dusty tomes in the underground sewer that doubles as the bibliotheca blatherum, our must-infested minions have revealed some startling home truths about the true history of Nick Clegg, current pretender to the throne of British* Prime Minister.
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Healthcare Reform To Pass As Obama Bores Republicans Into Submission
Posted by blather at 11:19 AM on March 10, 2010
(President Obama addressing Congress yesterday)
House Republicans, at their collective wits end after another nine-hour Healthcare borefest in the senate, finally cracked and in a heated floor exchange stated that they were considering mass-suicide and asked the President to 'just give us the God-damned thing so we can sign it'.
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Posted by blather at 11:19 AM on March 10, 2010
(President Obama addressing Congress yesterday)
House Republicans, at their collective wits end after another nine-hour Healthcare borefest in the senate, finally cracked and in a heated floor exchange stated that they were considering mass-suicide and asked the President to 'just give us the God-damned thing so we can sign it'.
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Healthcare: Republicans Demand Obama Pats Head And Rubs Stomach Whilst Burping State Of The Union
Posted by blather at 8:51 AM on March 5, 2010
House Republicans putting proposals to President Obama yesterday
In a dramatic move, house Republicans demanded that in order to agree to talk about healthcare reform again, President Obama would have to deliver his next State of the Union hopping on one foot whilst rubbing his tummy and patting his head. Furthermore the President would be required to belch his way through the ninety minute speech; aided by Vice-President Joe Biden and a keg of Heineken.
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Posted by blather at 8:51 AM on March 5, 2010
House Republicans putting proposals to President Obama yesterday
In a dramatic move, house Republicans demanded that in order to agree to talk about healthcare reform again, President Obama would have to deliver his next State of the Union hopping on one foot whilst rubbing his tummy and patting his head. Furthermore the President would be required to belch his way through the ninety minute speech; aided by Vice-President Joe Biden and a keg of Heineken.
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Republicans Table Bill Asking President Obama To 'Get To The Fucking Point'
Posted by blather at 11:22 AM on March 4, 2010
(image from Obama Flickr stream, used under a Creative Commons license)
House Republicans, frustrated at having been lectured at length by the President on three separate occasions in recent months, have tabled a motion in the senate urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. Senator Chuck Gibble (R. Arkansas) told reporters that he and his GOP colleagues had tabled the motion because they 'simply couldn't stand another one of those God-damned six-hour meetings'.
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Posted by blather at 11:22 AM on March 4, 2010
(image from Obama Flickr stream, used under a Creative Commons license)
House Republicans, frustrated at having been lectured at length by the President on three separate occasions in recent months, have tabled a motion in the senate urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. Senator Chuck Gibble (R. Arkansas) told reporters that he and his GOP colleagues had tabled the motion because they 'simply couldn't stand another one of those God-damned six-hour meetings'.
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St. Patrick's Day: Cowen and Lenihan to be taken out and shot by junkies with balls of their own shite
Posted by daev at 9:00 AM on March 17, 2009
In a sign of growing tension in Dail Eireann (currently closed for a 12-day St. Patrick's Day holiday to "save money"), Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny celebrated St. Patrick's Day outside the locked gates of Leinster House this morning by tabling a controversial bowel motion to have An Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Finance Minister Brian Lenihan taken to Kilmainham Gaol, stripped naked , dunked in a VAT (Value Added Tax) of heated cat piss (kindly donated by the Irish Countrywoman's Association, the provisional ICA) and shot at dawn by a firing squad of rabid junkies with balls of their own shite.
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Posted by daev at 9:00 AM on March 17, 2009
In a sign of growing tension in Dail Eireann (currently closed for a 12-day St. Patrick's Day holiday to "save money"), Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny celebrated St. Patrick's Day outside the locked gates of Leinster House this morning by tabling a controversial bowel motion to have An Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Finance Minister Brian Lenihan taken to Kilmainham Gaol, stripped naked , dunked in a VAT (Value Added Tax) of heated cat piss (kindly donated by the Irish Countrywoman's Association, the provisional ICA) and shot at dawn by a firing squad of rabid junkies with balls of their own shite.
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The Top 10 Reasons To Vote NO To The Lisbon Treaty
Posted by damien at 12:32 PM on June 10, 2008
Photo of Lisbon Treaty poster by Dave Walsh
Can't decide which way to vote on the contentious Lisbon Treaty? Worry no more, for the fearless hacks at blather.net have taken the time to summarise the top ten reasons why you should vote NO to those Euro-pinkos and their nefarious treaty.
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Posted by damien at 12:32 PM on June 10, 2008
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The Prez 2004: Open Up a Can o' Kerry
Posted by damien at 10:18 AM on September 30, 2004
From our man in the States, Alex DeJong.
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Posted by damien at 10:18 AM on September 30, 2004
From our man in the States, Alex DeJong.
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The So-Called Navan Road Riot
Posted by daev at 5:39 PM on May 4, 2004
A few people throwing rocks doesn't make a riot...
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Posted by daev at 5:39 PM on May 4, 2004
A few people throwing rocks doesn't make a riot...
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Gulf War 2: Daddy's crusade
Posted by damien at 12:57 PM on March 24, 2004
Blather productions is proud to announce the DVD release of last years' smash box office hit, Gulf War 2: Daddy's crusade...
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Posted by damien at 12:57 PM on March 24, 2004
Blather productions is proud to announce the DVD release of last years' smash box office hit, Gulf War 2: Daddy's crusade...
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The 3rd World war: this time it's 'cos we can't spell
Posted by damien at 10:40 AM on March 23, 2004
It's the end of the world. No seriously, it is.
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Posted by damien at 10:40 AM on March 23, 2004
It's the end of the world. No seriously, it is.
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David Norris for President? (update#1)
Posted by damien at 8:28 PM on March 22, 2004
Breaking news: Six years since Damien's post, David IS running for president!
Here and now, I am going to nail my colours to the mast. There is only one man who I want to be President of Ireland: Senator David Norris...
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Posted by damien at 8:28 PM on March 22, 2004
Breaking news: Six years since Damien's post, David IS running for president!
Here and now, I am going to nail my colours to the mast. There is only one man who I want to be President of Ireland: Senator David Norris...
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7 insane days... (In Valencia, Spain)
Posted by damien at 3:12 PM on March 16, 2004
The following are, in no particular order of importance, some of the things I have seen over the last seven days or so in Spain:
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Posted by damien at 3:12 PM on March 16, 2004
The following are, in no particular order of importance, some of the things I have seen over the last seven days or so in Spain:
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Irish Prime Minister Bertie Stalked by Hairy Students
Posted by daev at 12:03 PM on February 19, 2004
Hirsute stalkers are driving the Taoiseach spare!
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Posted by daev at 12:03 PM on February 19, 2004
Hirsute stalkers are driving the Taoiseach spare!
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Big Cat Thought To Be Celtic Tiger
Posted by daev at 1:18 PM on August 22, 2003
Financial transactions found in the east coat area of Ireland were probably made the Celtic Tiger, the Central Bank has said.
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Posted by daev at 1:18 PM on August 22, 2003
Financial transactions found in the east coat area of Ireland were probably made the Celtic Tiger, the Central Bank has said.
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Mirror, Mirror... Muppa!
Posted by daev at 11:00 AM on August 14, 2003
Blather.net made it into today's Irish Mirror, thanks to our 'Bertie and Ernie... Muppa!'
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Posted by daev at 11:00 AM on August 14, 2003
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