Holy Feckin Jaysus! Ireland Creates New Government Agency To Enforce Blasphemy Laws

(image by Dave Walsh)
Hot on the heels of his controversial decision to overhaul antiquated ‘Blasphemy laws’, Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern has declared himself ‘Ard-Bailitheoir na gCailleacha’ with unlimited powers to search, seize, beat, rape, defame, libel, spitroast, roger, savage and claim legal ownership over whatever ‘godless infidels’ are within his and any government official’s eyesight.

Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern Appoints Himself ‘Ard-Bailitheoir na gCailleacha’
Having set the country straight on the contentious matter of the constitution’s perilous and fraught relationship with the notion of ‘blasphemy’, Minister for Justice Dermot ‘Innocent XI’ Ahern has once again set Eurpoean legislative jaws a-wagging by inserting an article into the constitution which grants him and all government ministers the right to do, well, whatever the hell they want, to whoever they want, with whatever they want, whenever they want.
In an attempt to make sense of this bewildering new political landscape Blather.net dispatched its finest investigative journalist, the redoutable Filthy Hack (Ms.C., E.=M.c2, R.O.F.L., C.un.T G.rop.E, Ph7, G.I.M.P.) to meet with the Minister and try to get the skinny on what his new role entails and what, you know, in light of the new blasphemy legislation, we actually can and can’t say.
F.H. So, Minister…
D.A. Please. No need for such formalities. Call me ‘Your Eminence”. Now, kiss the ring.
F.H. If you say so. Well, I’m glad we had this chance to sit down and chat. I was hoping that we could use this interview as an opportunity to clarify a few points about your impending introduction of new blasphemy law. In addition to appointing yourself ‘Witchfinder General’, you’ve also introduced a bill which would see anyone found guilty of blasphemy charged and fined €100,000…
D.A. Well truth is Filthy, the provision has been there since the constitution was written. I’ve just updated the law to meet the challenges of our times.
F.H. Right. Right. But, Your Eminem…
D.A. Eminence.
F.H. Eminence, yes. But why update it at all? Why not just throw it out entirely?
D.A. Well Filthy, that’s a great question. The thing is that in order to throw it out we’d have to have [waggles fingers in air, sniggers] “a referendum”. Referendums cost money and well, we’re trying to save money just now. All that electioneering, poster posting and banging on doors would be a terrible burden on the taxpayer. We couldn’t in all good conscience ask the taxpayer to shoulder that.
F.H. But hang on, there are elections on June 5th. Couldn’t you just tack the referendum on the end of that?
D.A. ….
F.H. Your Eminence?
D.A. You wanted to ask about blasphemy laws?
F.H. Yes I did. So, in order to try to get a grip on the ramifications of this blasphemy law you’re introducing, I thought I might run a few hypotheticals past you and then maybe you could tell me whether that situation would result in a body finding himself…
D.A. Or herself…
F.H. Or herself, yes, falling foul of them blasphemy laws.
D.A. Go ahead so.
F.H. Right so, let’s say I was to go to a pub. And I meet a nun.
D.A. A nun?
F.H. Yeah, a nun. Fine thing. Nice wimple. Good legs. And so me and that nun have a few scoops, yeah? And before ye know it, we’re back in her place and one thing leads to another and what do you know, but I’m taking her from behind, smacking her across the arse with a rolled-up copy of ‘Left Behind’ magazine and she’s screaming like a mad thing and saying that she wants a “Stinky Hitler“? Is that blasphemous?
D.A. Well, there’d be several issues there Filthy. There’s be the issue of consensual sex…
F.H. Of course it’s consensual. She’s gagging for it.
D.A. Gagging for it? But she’s a nun…
F.H. Anyway, so let’s say that there’s this Muslim character, yeah?
D.A. Right, yes. Muslim man, yes.
F.H. And he comes over here, yeah? And he’s all like, ‘Allah this’ and ‘Allah dat’ and ‘Allah’s gonna smite your heathen arses into hell’ and ”Yer women are a pack of fat whores’ and ‘Yer food is shite’, yeah?
D.A. Ya ha….
F.H. And then I says, ‘Fuck off back to Cavan or wherever you came from and take your ignorant, bronze-aged muck-savage religion with you’, hah? Would that be blasphemous?
D.A. Again, there’d be several issues there. First up, under the proposed guidelines, referring to his belief system as a, sorry, what was it again?
F.H. “Ignorant, bronze-aged muck-savage religion”.
D.A. Yes, yes. Well, that would be deeply problematic.
F.H. Why? He’s called our women whores.
D.A. Yes, I hear that, but you must understand – he’s allowed to say that. The constitution allows him his freedom of speech.
F.H. So, I can call a woman a whore but I can’t call his religion stupid?
D.A. Yes, that’s essentially it.
F.H. Hang on a sec. So, I can insult someone who actually lives in the country, to their face, but I can’t insult the invisible man who lives in the sky who they pray to? Is that the thrust of it?
D.A. It’s a little more nuanced than that, but yes, that might be the thrust of it.
F.H. Well, I’m glad you clarified that part about freedom of speech for me.
D.A. Yes? Why’s that?
F.H. Cos it lets me say this: you’re a fucking idiot.

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Writer, photographer, environmental campaigner and "known troublemaker" Dave Walsh is the founder of Blather.net, described both as "possibly the most arrogant and depraved website to be found either side of the majestic Shannon River", and "the nicest website circulating in Ireland". Half Irishman, half-bicycle. He lives in southern Irish city of Barcelona.