Obersturmführer Nicholas ‘Schifti Schnitzi’ Panzerclegg, Berlin 1944
[DUBLIN] After several days of furious sifting through reams of parchment, annals and dusty tomes in the underground sewer that doubles as the bibliotheca blatherum, our must-infested minions have revealed some startling home truths about the true history of Nick Clegg, current pretender to the throne of British* Prime Minister.
Long assumed to be of Anglo Saxon origin, the name Clegg actually comes from Ireland: O’CleggÃn, from the ancient Irish sept, the UÃ Clegganachta: traditionally liberal enemies of the Scottish UÃ Bruin (Browns) and the Clan MacCameron.
Legend has it that the Clegganachta used to wear nothing under their kilts heading into battle, a time honoured tradition of being eternally ready to lash one into any bit of skirt that happened to be passing. Their propensity for sudden annexation of ancient seats of power from out of left-field led to the nickname ‘The SlibhÃn CleggÃn’ which roughly translates to ‘The Sleeveen Clegeens’ or ‘The Sly Cleggs’.
Their traditional tribal stronghold in Ireland is Cleggan (An Cloigeann) a picturesque fishing village in Co Galway, Ireland. The village lies 10 km northwest of Clifden and is situated at the head of Cleggan Bay. The placename An Cloigeann, in Irish, literally means ‘Head’, an ancient Irish skill, highly valued in the early medieval period. Local legend tells of one mysterious ancestral figure, NicolÃn O’ CleggÃn, who once pleasured all the women of the village in a single afternoon, leading to the old Irish proverb ‘My gee agrees with NicolÃn’.
Despite their Irish roots, the Clegg dynasty spread far and wide during subsequent centuries. Although they usually established themselves as the very pillars of society in whatever nation they ended up in, one particular episode seems to have tarnished the family name, and remains their most deeply guarded secret.
A grand uncle of the present Mr. Clegg, Obersturmführer Nicholas ‘Schifti Schnitzi’ Panzerclegg (pictured above) served in the SS durng the Second World War. Herr Panzerclegg held the distinguished position of personal bathroom attendant and ‘Keeper of the Schtuhl’ to Hermann Goering.
Unfortunately, Herr Panzerclegg died in mysterious circumstances in May 1944, after a suspected chemical leak at the Wolf’s Lair, following a particularly henious bout of bratwurst consumption by his boss. Latterly suspected to have been a high ranking offical in the Nazi party’s secret archaeological unit, Die Bundeskanzlerin Für Schovelpoken und Artefactgraben, it is thought that many SS secrets, such as the location of the Christ’s Spear and the Ark of the Covenant, died with Herr Panzerclegg on that fateful day. The fact that Nick Clegg read archaeology and anthropology at Robinson College, Cambridge, has probably nothing to do with the above.
Probably.
*Britain: Small island nation, off the east coast of Ireland.
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Ireland finally leaves British Isles behind »
Image
Taken from the commons on Flickr, used under a CC licence
