The Prez 2004: Open Up a Can o’ Kerry

From our man in the States, Alex DeJong.

For me, John Kerry is like a wonderful, shiny can of beans: on the outside it appears appetizing and delicious, on the inside disappointing and vapid. I just spent a half an hour listening to legitimate Republicans and Democrats argue about Kerry’s stance on Iraq.
After desperately wishing that I could somehow recoup the past thirty minutes of my precious short life, I came to the conclusion that Kerry is a vessel designed simply to bring about brain farts, nagging self-doubt, and the wholesale destruction of the Democratic party. The conclusion of the discussion was ambiguous at best due to the “I think he’s sayings”, “He would have done’s”, “He might be’s”, and “What he’s trying to say’s”.
The Democrats say that Kerry would not have gone to Iraq had he been in possesion of the information he has now (there is a quote which has Kerry saying the complete opposite but we will try and ignore that and accept the fact that he is desperately trying to convince the people that he would not have gone to war by repeating himself at a very annoying rate). Meanwhile the Republicans are trying to get Kerry to say that he would have rather contained Saddam Hussein than to have ousted him. In short they want to make Kerry look like he supports Saddam in power.
Kerry claims that he would have been able to “isolate” Saddam. Whether Kerry was going to use his miraculous sociable skills and amiability in order to get Saddam to cooperate is up for discussion. And it’s these personality traits which Kerry supporters are relying on in order to influence China, France, Russia, and Germany to all of a sudden cooperate in future Iraq policy.
Let me emphasize that I am not a Kerry hater or a Bush lover (President Bush lover), but Kerry has lost steam and has become a major disappointment to me. It is hard not to support Bush when Kerry is just boxing with himself. And it shouldn’t take a think tank more than a half an hour to estimate Kerry’s stance on Iraq.
Iraq won’t be the only issue in the upcoming debates, but when it does, you will see Captain Can o’Beans doing a very painful tap dance. Any attack on Bush’s service with the National Guard is null and void due to CBS’s embarrassing and somewhat questionable mistake. There isn’t much difference between the men on influential domestic issues. And no one can figure really figure out who the hell is John Kerry. What he is, is not George W. Bush. But being a Bush lover or hater won’t win the election.
Alex DeJong is a graduate of Political Science and an experienced English teacher. He lives and works in the United States of America. His interests include soccer (football to the rest of us), women and goading liberals.

Damien DeBarra was born in the late 20th century and grew up in Dublin, Ireland. He now lives in London, England where he shares a house with four laptops, three bikes and a large collection of chairs.


  1. Once again a fruitless waste of time pondering the knuckleheads that want “Rule” the free world. You should be writing stories of stone circles,
    wee folk and pots of gold, poltergeists slamming doors, shapeshifters steaing your cat,and that ghost that haunts the cliffs of Moher.

  2. I agree with Fritz, but I would point out that it has been proven conclusively that Bush and Cheney are in fact REPTILE SHAPE SHIFTERS!!!! Kerry, may in fact also be a reptile, or a salamander of some sort.
    Anyhow, that’s why I always vote Libertarian.They may be satan worshippers, but at least they’re human.
    How’s that for paranormal? Hmmmmmmmm?

  3. You are wasting your breath Jaguar. This site is dedicated to saving gay whales and bemoaning the crap the world calls news. I give up.

  4. Fritz,
    I’d Mr Bush being president of the USA, and the best hope against him being John ‘Ed the Talking Horse’ Kerry, is far more paranormal than any number of megaliths or faerie mafia. Bather is exactly the right place to discuss this idiotic political universe.

  5. Look, just face it. Kerry’s just the best that’s out there. Granted, Tyrone gives a good game, and it was nice to see Antrim win for once, but frankly, we showed that we can do both the traditional game and the modern pressure-play game against Mayo, so next year’s championship should see a damn fine match when we go up against either Tyrone or Antrim.
    What, that’s not what you were talking about? Oh, I’m sorry – I just didn’t give a damn.

  6. Sparks I quite Agree
    Damien your are quite right , If I don’t like it hit the road, which I will.
    I wish health and happiness to all of you in the coming new year. Adios.

  7. Yeah, if you don’t read it how can Damien get his jollies!? What’s the point of posting this stuff if no one reacts!? That’s what art is, isn’t it? ISN’T IT!!!??

  8. Well at least I added a little drama with my passing didn’t I? At present the sparks of wierdness are flying like crazy at the JWalk Blog. I invite you to join in the fray.
    Watch out for Dinsdale Piranha…

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