Year: 2003

Blather
2589 views

A team of elite adventurers, maverick scientists and fornicating bloggers have shocked the scientific community today with a breathtaking announcement. "After almost two millennia of fruitless searching" said Professor Jim-Bob Gobstopper, "It would appear that we have done the unthinkable. We can reveal the secret of how to find the clitoris" The announcement has been greeted with shock, excitement and outrage by Dublin scientists, politicians and prostitutes. Professor Gobstopper, joined by a phalanx of white-coated colleagues, held a press conference at Dublin Castle this morning to elaborate on his findings. Blather.net dispatched its' award-winning Science/Celebrity Vaginal Surgery correspondent, Filthy Hack (pictured), to get the scoop. When vigorously cross-examined on the validity of this astonishing claim Gobstopper showed the thronging crowd of assembled scientists, saddlesniffers and pornographers some intriguing film footage - filmed, it would appear, on a mobile phone. After some unintentional amusement (when the Professor accidentally showed a video...

Blather
2197 views

What NOT to do when chatting women up over the X-mas period... Another cautionary tale from the bowels of blather.net's decidedly seedy archives When I was about 20 years old, I had devloped a rather idiotic mini-crush on a girl that drank in my local pub. I didn't know her name but I knew she was the cousin of a girl that i did know, so on an x-mas eve, I went up to her cousin to see if I could wrangle an introduction. Now, bear in mind that I have never spoken to this girl that I like. And as I speak to the girl that I do know I am having to yell out loud over the roar of the music and 800 people in the pub (this is Xmas eve remember...). After some brief and drunken chit-chat, I asked what this other girl (the object of my...

Blather
1994 views

Okey doke. I decided I'd save this for a special occasion and seeing as it's christmas and the eve of the new year, well, here goes then? A couple of years ago, I badly hurt my back (displaced vertebrae) and after a couple of months on my arse and going in and out of chiropractors and shiatsu masseuses I decided it was time to get the finger out and do something. So, I resolved to join a gym and did so the first week of January. After my general fitness was tested (I turned out to be small number heartbeats away from death) they set me loose on the machines. Things went well. In fact things went so well, that after a week of this, I began to believe that I was not a runt-like short-arse with the girth of a garden rake, but that I was rather, Bruce Willis....

Blather
2182 views

Seeing as google are trying to censor us, this is my contribution to turning Blather into a seeething cess-pit of filth and depravity... Hmmm. So, there I am watching TV. Shouting at Blair and the Shrub as they spew forth another pile of effluence about multilateralism in the New World Order and how Iraqi insurgents are shitting in their pants with fear, when my companion points out a rather strange sight. There's no polite way of saying this, so I'll just come right out with it. There was a man standing on a balcony directly opposite our building, bollock naked, knob in hand, whacking one out. Fucking scumbag. I can't see the guys face (he's too far away) and I'm quite sure that he can't see us, but just what the fuck does he think he's doing? I'm borrowing a digital camera and I'm going to snap this bastard the...

Blather
1987 views

As dedicated followers (all two of you) of my adventures in Las Espanas will know, I got myself a new flat almost two months ago... This is a spacious and altogether pleasant place. But of course, there's a hitch. This is me, after all. The hitch comes in the form of the two other people sharing the flat with me: the pair whom I affectionately refer to as 'the frogs'. I know it's rather cruel to be stereotyping nationalities in this day and age, but then again I'm a cruel heartless bastard. Things have been, for the most part, just fine. There's the occasional silence regarding the piles of dishes in the sink, but mostly tranquility reigns supreme. That was, until Monday this week... On Monday, I answered the door to see Ana, an eighteen year old spanish girl (Belgian and French family) who was asking us could we 'help...

Blather
1957 views

Sick fish and a pasted-in blatherboy. Doncha love that Google, eh? A gentleman by the name of Andrew Lange emailed me earlier today, telling me that he'd found a Googlewhack on blather.net. He'd found 'superimposition blatherskite' in the Klaatu Barada Nikto article on Blather.net So I tried my hand at it. Found valetudinarian conger. Whoohoo! A Googlewhack, by way, is when you search for two words (without quotes) in Google, and come up just ONE result. Getting a fat zero doesn't count. It's not too difficult: Thought of an obscure word: valetudinarian. Then did composite searches valetudinarian banana (21) get more obscure: valetudinarian starfruit (0) valetudinarian pomegranate (4) valetudinarian absinthe (2) - getting close valetudinarian absinth (1) - part of a list, so it doesn't count... think, think think... fish! conger eel! valetudinarian conger (1) tada! Update: Got another: 'snark derailleur'. Visit www.googlewhack.com

Blather
1802 views

The latest craze in Northern Ireland - crashing tractors! Here's Monday's surreal news of the day... Young farmers in a rural area outside the Co Antrim town have taken to using their tractors to perform an unusual rite of passage, in which they deliberately steer their vehicles at road signs and plough them over (Irish News) More from IC Northern Ireland >> More from irishnews.com (needs registration)>>

Blather
1860 views

It's offical, blather.net is 97% evil! Blather.net is proud to announce that we've been awarded a '97% evil' award from the Gematriculator, a bumper website indeed: Basically, Gematria is searching for different patterns through the text, such as the amount of words beginning with a vowel. If the amount of these matches is divisible by a certain number, such as 7 (which is said to be God's number), there is an incontestable argument that the Spirit of God is ever present in the text. Another important aspect in gematria are the numerical values of letters: A=1, B=2 ... I=9, J=10, K=20 and so on. The Gematriculator uses Finnish alphabet, in which Y is a vowel. Experts consider the mathematical patterns in the text of the Holy Bible as God's watermark of authenticity. Thus, the Gematriculator provides only results that are absolutely correct. Note: www.churchofsatan.com is 48% evil, 52% good Visit...

Blather
2132 views

Inventor of the steam-gramaphone, godfather of hippity-hoppity, and first man to conquer Howth Head and Bognor Regis in the same year. Born into a Longford family of wealthy Anglo-Norman traditional leech wranglers, D'Arcy was educated at Clongowes and both in and behind the Manzor's Inn in Clane. By the age of 14 he had mastered the arts of archery, arson and arachnaid gymnastics, and by 15, had received a caution for alleged acts of firemongering, using arrows tipped with spider-poison. An angry mob of Presentation nuns and Cistercian monks presented itself at the funerals of the deceased clergy. Then it was all back to Manzor's for an old brandy. At 21, D'Arcy had completed the Grand Tour de Fermanagh, and had filled the family shed with artifacts from his travels. Several items of such exotic cultural value are expected to on sale next month as Southeby's in order to pay...

Blather
2069 views

The scene: A TV news studio in south London. Token Asian Presenter and Francis Tusa have just been discussing the latest use of cluster bombs on a village of Iraqi goat-herders... <!-- --> Francis: "...and cooked their asses good" Cuts back to Token Asian Presenter, who has now assumed a supremely smug smile. Token Asian Presenter: "Fantasic. And now we move on to a happier item. Three months ago, 8 year old Saheeb Al-Sabba Al Sabba had both his legs blown off when a Coalition forces patriot missile tore through his window and blasted him thirty five feet into the air before landing him face first in a pile of blood, guts, intestines and the shredded remains of his mother and dog. He is a casualty of war. But now, little Saheeb has some hope again. Thanks to the overwhelming guilt that we the British people feel about our complicit...