A TV news studio in south London. Token Asian Presenter and Francis Tusa have just been discussing the latest use of cluster bombs on a village of Iraqi goat-herders…
Francis: “…and cooked their asses good”
Cuts back to Token Asian Presenter, who has now assumed a supremely smug smile.
Token Asian Presenter: “Fantasic. And now we move on to a happier item. Three months ago, 8 year old Saheeb Al-Sabba Al Sabba had both his legs blown off when a Coalition forces patriot missile tore through his window and blasted him thirty five feet into the air before landing him face first in a pile of blood, guts, intestines and the shredded remains of his mother and dog. He is a casualty of war.
But now, little Saheeb has some hope again. Thanks to the overwhelming guilt that we the British people feel about our complicit guilt in ensuring that we wiped out his entire family, roasted his dog, destroyed his home, blew up his school, incinerated the nearest hospital and napalmed the only doctor for 1000 miles, we have seen fit to fly him to London and see if we can do anything for him. So far, doctors have been trying to find a way to graft artifcial limbs on to the blackend stumps where his legs used to be. Today, after seven weeks of surgery, Saheeb faced the media…”
Cut to a small terrified looking child in a hospital bed, surrounded by a legion of doctors who are smiling so much they are sweating.
Filthy Hack 1: “So, Saheeb, ae you, eh, like happy with your new legs?”
Saheeb: “Well, to be honest I was kind of fond of my original ones…”
Filthy Hack 2: “Yes, but re you grateful to the British people for what they have done for you?”
Saheeb: “Well, (coughs) I would have preferred it if you hadn’t bombed my country back to the fucking stone age in the first place”
Filthy Hack 1: “What? What are you talking about? We liberated you…”
Saheeb: “Liberated? The only thing you liberated was me from my legs”
Filthy Hack 2: “Now hang on…”
Saheeb: “I’m sorry. That’s not really true. You also liberated my 82 year old grandfathers’ head from his neck. Too kind really. Now, if you’re through patronising me live on TV so as to alleviate your national guilt over being a bunch of bloodthirsty genocidal arms-manufacturing bastards, who take it up the arse so that George Bush can get ‘re-elected’, then perhaps you’d be kind enough to send me home to see the one remaining member of my family: Mohammed the goldfish”
Cut back to studio
Token Asian Presenter: (after a long pause) “And here’s Jim with the weather…”