Blather’s Express Tours. See Ireland at High Speed!

By our satirist-at-large, Elimare…

Welcome to Blather’s Express Tours, the quickest way to see the sights! BET is sponsored by the Dublin Fortean Society and provides exclusive tours of dead things. All excursions begin early morning and last throughout the day, and are so packed full of fun that you will wonder how they fit it all in. Our guides are professionally trained and you will marvel at their driving skills as you barrel through the countryside Italian Job style.
Take a trip with Blather’s Express Tours today and see what you’ve been missing out on!
Sample Itinerary:
Morning: Over 5000 years old, built by God knows whom and for an unknown purpose, Newgrange is Co. Meath’s finest achievement. The lights only come on once (maybe twice) a year, and you won’t be lucky enough to be there on the day, so will have to make do with standing in the dark and imagining what it must look like. Due to the nature of the site please note the following warnings provided for your safety:
a.) No photography allowed inside
b.) Shut up while the guide is speaking
c.) Don’t fall down the slope behind Newgrange
d.) Beware of falling helicopters
A quick stop in the Newgrange caf´ for a spot of lunch and then it’s off to Drogheda to have a quick look at ‘The Severed Head of Oliver Plunkett’.
Back to Meath for a scramble around Dowth where you can engage in worrying sheep, staring at stones and wandering around the nearby graveyard. Then it’s off to the Hill of Slane for a quick use of the Abbey’s double garderobe and a wander around another graveyard. Note: BET would like to remind you that this is a heritage site and please do not disturb the knacker drinkers in their natural habitat.
We finish off the day at Tara. Once it was the seat of the High Kings of Ireland, now it’s a lawnmower’s nightmare.
Also included in the tour: A drive-by sighting of Knowth and ‘Is it a Ring Fort or is it a Field’ (Goose chase not guaranteed.)
Book early to avoid disappointment.
Blather’s Express Tours. ‘We like dead stuff’.
– By Elimare
Photographs of Newgrange by Dave Walsh »

Chief Bottle Washer at Blather
Writer, photographer, environmental campaigner and "known troublemaker" Dave Walsh is the founder of, described both as "possibly the most arrogant and depraved website to be found either side of the majestic Shannon River", and "the nicest website circulating in Ireland". Half Irishman, half-bicycle. He lives in southern Irish city of Barcelona.


Comments are closed.