Roy Keane and Mick McCarthy to fight to the death On-Line

“Many experts in the area of conflict studies expect the economy to collapse, the land to be laid waste and for the entire population to descend into cannibalism with 48 hours…”

Today, Sunderland FC failed to qualify for the F.A. Cup Final delaying the much anticipated meeting of Roy Keane and his former international manager, Mick McCarthy.
It was widely expected that Mick and Roy would avail of this opportunity to see each other at the final and beat each other to death with football boots in the stadium tunnel. Now, it appears, this just won’t happen.
Chianti and Liver all-round
The two men have not faced each other since both men went foaming-at-the-mouth mad during the World Cup and threatened to plunge Ireland into a vicious Civil War, resulting in brother turning on brother, sister on sister and Dog on Cat.
If such an event were to re-occur, many experts in the area of conflict studies expect the economy to collapse, the land to be laid waste and for the entire Irish population to descend into cannibalism with 48 hours.
Hack hacks in
However, rumours abound that promoter Don King has arranged a hastily scheduled fight to the death, to be broadcast live from Madison Square Garden on June 11th.
Details are hazy at this time, but our Blather mole (codename Hack Fantastic) in the football biz informs us that the event will be a live pay per view event, broadcast around the globe.
‘Does Roy Keane look like a bitch?’
Allegedly, the two men will joust it out over 15 three minute rounds, attempting to off one and other armed with a hardback copy of each other autobiographies, a can of magic spray and assorted weapons from the set of The Lord of the Rings.
In addition, each fighter is allowed to tag in one friend of choice for a strategic five minute period. As we have said, nothing is confirmed just yet, but our boy Hack is adamant that Mick has nominated Trigger MacAteer and that Keane has approached Samuel L. Jackson for the job.
Give me interactive or give me death
The entire fight will be choreographed to the music from that episode of Star Trek where Spock is trying to smash Kirk’s brains out in a sand pit because of some idiotic Vulcan law concerning the humane treatment of wigs.
In addition to worldwide television rights, it is also rumoured that King has signed a lucrative six figure deal with a well-known Irish website to broadcast the spectacle on-line.
We’ll keep you posted…

Damien DeBarra was born in the late 20th century and grew up in Dublin, Ireland. He now lives in London, England where he shares a house with four laptops, three bikes and a large collection of chairs.