‘Outrageous and absurd’ says Dublin Professor of History, Dr. Hummus Fitzgerald…
Priceless historical documents, recently discovered in an ancient Cork family household, are shedding invaluble light on the later part of 18th century Ireland – the turbulent historical period which included the 1798 rebellion.
The documents were discovered by chance, after a recent renovation project of the ancestral DeBarra home in north-west Cork. The find included letters, Last Wills and Testaments, legal documents and an early draft of the American Constitution.
One of the documents included sensational revelations that a Corkman actually made it through just slightly over three hours without mentioning the word ‘Cork’.
Although the document has not been made available for public study yet, our contacts at Univeristy College Cork inform us that the document is a detailed description of events in 1798, during the violent rebellion and it’s supression by the nefarious, moustache-twirling jackbooted scum of the Queen’s army.
The Corkman (name unknown) was apparently unable to speak due to an English soldier placing his boot on his throat and repeatedly beating him about the head with a copy of Roy Keane’s biography which had fallen through a small rift in space-time.
Scholarly debate has been predictably heated with one side of the debate being led by Dr. Aeongus Hoolihangsangich who maintains that the Corkman would not have given in and most likely scratched the words ‘I’m from Cork, boi!’ in the dirt with his heel*.
Scholars from UCG disagree vehemently, stating that the corkman would have more likely gouged the words into the Englishman’s leg with his nails.
The documents further tell us that the corkman’s first inquiry when released from the perfidious albionite’s death-grip was a screeched question: ‘If ye love englin’ so fooking much why don ye fook off and live there? WHA BOI?’
More as we get it…
* = helloinsane on p45
Cork School of Music Alcoholics Unanimous
People’s Republic of Cork