IRA announce massive redundancies

ira 1.jpgOutsourcing, globalisation and increased cost of knee-capping blamed by regional IRA commanders. ‘A disaster for the whole fuckin’ community’ says murky, balaclava-wearing figure.

(BELFAST) The IRA today announced several hundred lay-offs, effective from tomorrow morning 9 a.m. The shocking move comes at the end of a period of intense market speculation, which has focused on the organisations’ ability to compete in the new global terrorism market: a market which many cocaine-fuelled tabloid hacks and a small army of syphilis-riddled market analysts have begun calling ‘Terrorism 2.0’.
The economy of the European Union has been in a period of transition: with the inclusion of the ten new member states, an axis of power has shifted from employees to employers in the older member states. The associated economic impact has been felt globally and, at a local level, made it increasingly more and more difficult for businesses like the IRA to makes ends meet.
‘We simply can’t compete’ said an IRA spokesman, yesterday. ‘The cost of doing business, [pushes glasses up nose] is becoming prohibitive in Ireland now. The market has been flooded by cheap Eastern-European labour. These guys will do four times the work at one quarter of the going market rate. They’re qualified, they’re motivated and they don’t expect double-time on weekends’.
A range of services including knee-cappings, racketeering, general maiming, pant-wetting intimidation and battering drug-dealers to within an inch of their lives have always been the portfolio of a home-grown workforce, but now former Eastern-block countries are offering an abundance of experienced, talented terrorists who will do the same job, for a fraction of the price.
“Add to this, the salient (and all too-often overlooked) fact that there are a small army of scum-bags south of the border willing to off your mother for the price of a Ryanair flight to Alicante, and you can begin to appreciate [waggles fingers in air] ‘the sitch-ey-ay-shun’. Market erosion had been a steady and ever-present factor on the business landscape since the mid 1980’s, but now we find ourselves under siege” said a large, tattooed man that we met in a Belfast car-park.
And it’s not just the Republicans who have had to make cuts. In addition to the challenges faced by the IRA, high labour costs and strictly enforced union rules have meant that the UDA have been forced to make radical changes to their employment structures.
‘Basically, these Polack lads will come in, hack an arm off, kick a head in, shit on you and throw you in a bog for roughly one third of the cost that one of our lads will do it for’ said an almost entirely tattooed man who we met whilst taking a piss in Starbucks. ‘We can’t compete against that. We just can’t,’
‘I mean seriously like, throw in the fact that these head-the-balls have some serious muscle behind them and well, I dunno man; let’s just say that things aren’t looking good for us right now… ye know what I mean like?’ he informed us with leaden solemnity.
Looking forward, the future appears problematic for paramilitary organisations. In the wake of this news, it has been suggested by several prominent defrocked priests and a cross-border Government shit-tank, that the only solution may be a drastic one: make all staff immediately redundant and re-register the organisations in an entirely different country, where management can take advantage of a more favourable tax regime and the cheaper cost of labour. Like Colombia.

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  1. Market forces and economic contraints aside one has to recognize that the arc of the curve, or is it covenant in this industry that has been dramatically altered by a new confluence creating doppler effect, or is it Toffler effect. On the one hand there is the new rise to bring down the high rise fueled by demented dialectic dogma meeting the dislexia of the global gombeen. Consolidation aquisitions and mergers would seem to be the route for the small potatoes. The dirty bomb business would seem to have hugh growth potential

  2. A Chara,
    Dats not bleedin funnee.
    An’ anudder ting. If we werr goin’ to do a dirtee bomb…ih wud be a ‘Dirtee Bomb Protest’.
    Is mise,
    A. O’ Snodaigh

  3. apparently canada is offering grants. they`re also conveniently dismantling thier military as well. you`ll have to watch out for the winter though. but then again, jamaicans can make a go of it, bambaclat. just wear a sweater.

  4. a quick comment to say hello to all the people from Iceland who have been visiting this piece. Nice to have you here…

  5. Word on the grapevine is that IRA are going to rebrand as ARI, the association of rambunctious irishpersons. As much of the cost of running 21st century terror services is eaten up by day to day atrocities, so the core leadership will restructure, operating out of shared offices in New Delhi while affairs relating to graffiti, beatings and armaments will be subcontracted to groups in eastern europe. In a bid to keep the irish identity, ten million euros will go towards a new internet campaign and the design of holographic logos featuring a shamrock superimposed upon a photo of daniel day-lewis. This is a move that could cost the british government billions, quipped a senior executive. Source – Reuters

    Dear World,
    My husband, the president of the United States, talked in
    his sleep recently, saying he had ordered a sub to drag a huge H-bomb
    to the Eura-Asia fault line crack off the coast of Sumatra,
    and have it remotely detonated when the sub was safely
    away, precipitating the slippage of the plates below the ocean
    floor which avalanched to a contemporary quake, causing the massive tsunami which killed hundreds of thousands in December, 2004.
    In his case I wouldn’t ask why as much as
    whether. As you know, George can blow up countries on
    whims and wisps of non-evidence, (“intelligenc”)
    as we’ve seen.
    I should get on the phone to the Chinese and India authorities,
    and suggest they should take some forensic teams out
    to the earthquake-center-point-of-origin near
    Indonesia, and look for evidence.
    Whether he was just dreaming, I don’t know…but we should try
    to stay on top of this. Currents and mud may diminish evidence
    shortly, especially if the H-bomb was lowered into
    some huge valley or crack under the ocean floor.
    The First Lady,
    Mrs. Laura Bush

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