How to Fly a Building

Have you vague feelings that you are searching for something inexpressible? At last at Blather we have discovered what you should be doing with yourself. You need to fly a building. Here is our how-to guide.

Step 1: Find a building.
You need to go where buildings can be found. A journey through the heated desert wastes, or the cold snowy wastes, are a waste of time. Also avoid those excessive stretches of lush countryside. Buildings can be found in great abundance in towns and cities, so that’s where you should go.
Step 2. Gain entry to the building.
Buildings are often surrounded by fences. Obtain a pair of wire-clippers to create a hole big enough for you to get through. Once ensconced in the grounds, wait until a door or a window is opened. Be careful to avoid people who use the building, especially armed security guards. Starting a fire in the grounds can be a wonderful diversionary tactic if you feel that there are too many people concerned with who goes in or out of the building.
Step 3: Live in the building.
Once you have successfully gained entry to the building, it is advisable not to take unnecessary risks by leaving the building, thus necessitating repeated entries, which would require an exhaustive and exhausting amount of stealth and luck. It is best to live in the building for a while. Basements and boiler rooms are rarely visited, and it is here in some bare concrete alcove you should nest. Examine the engine room, to discover the inner workings of the building. This knowledge could be useful later if the building malfunctions during flight.
Step 4: Ascend through the building.
Eventually you will have to choose your moment, and use the elevator, escalator or stairs to get to the upper floors of the building. Success in this matter entirely depends on how much the building is in use by other people. Dress so that you are not worth looking at.
Step 5: Find the control room.
You will find a room in the uppermost or next-to-uppermost floor that has windows all around it. This will certainly be the control room, because a good view of the surrounding area is vital for take-off and landing.
Step 6: Pull the blue lever.
In the control room you should find a blue lever held at a 45 degree angle. Pull this towards you as hard as you can until the lever is upright. This will disconnect the building from its foundations and allow it to rise vertically into the air. Turn the lever to steer. Observe the height of other structures around you. Avoid crashing into these. Once you have raised the building high enough, fly where you will. Have a picnic in the sky.
Photo: 55 Water Street, Manhattan, New York City, by Dave Walsh

Barry Kavanagh writes fiction, and has made music, formerly with Dacianos.

Contact him here.


  1. i didn`t realise it was that easy to fly a building.
    i will look for the blue lever in my apartment.
    i live on the top floor and while i`m hesitant to call it the penthouse because i live in a shit-hole, the fact remains that i`m on the top floor.
    just wait `til i tell the lads at starbucks.

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