Snail Allegedly Prosecuted for Alleged Anti-Slimentologist Views

A snail has allegedly been scooped off the ground and arrested, allegedly, for allegedly expressing anti-Slimentologist views outside the London headquarters of the Church of Slimentology. Allegedly.

Slimentologists were allegedly horrified to see a snail-trail on the pavement outside their building, which allegedly appeared to be English words drawn in slime. An alleged spokesman for the police told us that “the slime has been forwarded to the Crown Prosecution Service”. But what were the alleged words of offence? We have received alleged reports that state that allegedly the alleged phrase was “Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me”, which allegedly outraged the alleged Church of alleged Slimentology, because, according to the alleged police spokesman, “snails don’t have bones”. Allegedly.
Apart from raping and murdering a newborn baby and eating its brains with a plastic spoon, insulting Slimentology is the most serious crime in the UK. Allegedly.
An alleged anonymous phone caller to the alleged Blather news office told us “It is fitting that Slimentology’s number one critic of the moment is a snail. A slow creature, it cannot but symbolize the need for all of you to speed up and accept the fact that your future belongs with us! It’s not that far a walk to the nearest ATM!” Allegedly.

Barry Kavanagh writes fiction, and has made music, formerly with Dacianos.

Contact him here.


  1. At least they did the decent thing and arrested him. They could’ve just stood around poking his little eyeballs which would’ve been fierce undignified for said snail.

  2. They should just buy some salt and sprinkle it on the pavement. Stops the slimey Cruise(rs) – allegedly.

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