Ladies! Are you going on holiday? Are you regularly away on business? Are you worried that during your absence your useless lump of a man will spend his time getting repeatedly muntered and horsing great bags of salted snacks down his already fattened gullet until you arrive home to discover a grossly overweight slug where your significant other used to be? Well, worry no more: Blather Labs presents the ‘Mong-O-Matic’ Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser.
From the eggheads that brought you ‘Beanflickr 2.0′, the Blather.net ‘Mong-O-Matic’ Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser is a revolutionary new device designed to limit the amount of skunk given out to the spliff-chomping waste of space that inhabits the divot in your living-room’s bean-bag.
The owner of the ‘Mong-O-Matic’ is the kind of woman who doesn’t mind her man getting completely wankered on a Saturday morning and nuzzling himself into the great digital breasts of Grand Theft Auto 4 (when he should probably be doing the garden/having sex with you), but who does want the lazy bastard to occasionally make a tokenistic show of cleaning up his own filth. But how to keep him from the demon weed?
Well, fret no more, because Blather is here.
Our new product dispenses small, controlled amounts of high-grade skunk – released according to a pre-programmed schedule of your own nefarious devising. The ‘Mong-O-Matic’ comes with an easy-to-use, wifi-enabled interface where you can, from the comfort of your laptop, ruthlessly control your man’s spliff intake in a last, desperate effort to save your relationship from the shit-heap.
The ‘Mong-O-Matic’s award-winning operating system is securely controlled, coming with state-of-the-art password-protection in the form of a randomly-generated, 842-digit hexidecimal fractal encryption code which neither Commander Data or Jesus himself could hack.
The ‘Mong-O-Matic’ will begin shipping from the Blather store in a week’s time. Order now and we’ll throw in a free gift*.
*a free packet of blather.net’s super-jumbo comedy skins
Image by Zenith. Our gracious thanks.