Leinster House Declared ‘Green Zone’ After Suicide Bombing Narrowly Fails

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Cementgate: Besieged Irish politicians are breathing a sigh of relief following their lucky escape from the clutches of a would-be suicide bomber early this morning. In a startling incident, a cement truck was driven straight at the gates of Leinster House (the Irish Parliament). It was only by a miracle, that the wrought iron gates managed to impede the trucks entry, thereby saving the parliament from certain construction destruction.

Shocked politicians, some of which had not even made it into work yet, spoke of the unfolding horror. One Dail member, Fergus O’Loud, said that it was ‘his understanding’ that a Garda on duty had to jump out of the way as the truck was driven up to the entrance. “Imagine that, one minute you’re chewing your fruit pastilles, picking your nose and ignoring the tourists asking you for help and directions; the next, your caught up in a life or death struggle against terrorists!”
Speaking after their ordeal, the two Gardai (policemen) on duty were equally shaken with the events. “It actually was like something out of one of the films” said Garda Raymond (Ray) Tango, “All that was missin’ was the slow motion bit”. “I think I did actually go into slow-motion, like” retorted Garda Gabriel (Gabe) Cash, I can remember taking ages to get up from the ground and go arrest the driver”. “No Cash, that’s because we did take ages”, responded Garda Tango, “We had to wait at least 5 minutes, in case the truck blew up. Or something”.
Startling footage of the Gardai defusing the bomb has also emerged, showing the tense moments of the operation to make the truck safe. “Whoever was behind this, was very sophisticated”, reported Detective Sargent Martin Riggs [Main Picture], “Its as if they knew that we would try to move the truck away from the gates. The really scary part was when we saw that the brake lines were cut so we knew we’d have to diffuse the situation then and there”.
Speaking after the incident had been safely resolved, Garda Commissioner Moff O’Tarkin expressed his shock and outrage at the events. “This fuckin’ place is getting more and more like Baghdad every day. But if it means we have to bring in blast walls, concrete blocks and security cordon ringed defences, with barbed wire and mortar catching nets, we will. I’m officially declaring Leinster House and Kildare Street, the ‘Irish Green Zone’. All you terrorist protesters out there had better listen hard and listen good. The line is being drawn HERE.”
Reports that the driver of the truck (currently undergoing water boarding in Harcourt Street Garda Station) was apparently a normal drunken TD (Member of parliament) merely trying to park his lorry have been dismissed as ‘idiotic’ and ‘without any foundation whatsoever’.
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Image by By Oregon State University Archives, used under a Flickr Commons License.