As a member of Blather High Command recently went through the entertaining process of applying for a new passport while living outside the (fair (to middling)) island of Ireland, we thought we would cash in on the endless merry-go-round of internet clickbait by providing a handy checklist of everything you need to send to an Irish Embassy or Public House or Passport Office. And Brexit.
Here’s a list of requirements. Please tick the boxes as you complete these tasks. Did we miss anything? If so, post a suggestion in the comments below!
- Does your mother know where you are?
- What’s the craic?
- Explain in less than 200 words, but more than 150.
- Was there drink taken?
- Explain in less than 200 words, but more than 150.
- Are you a
- Have you reported yourself to a representative of the Department of Agriculture following personal or professional contact with a live agricultural animal on a farming establishment that was not situated on the island of Ireland (including Northern Ireland, but not including Cork) before returning to the island of Ireland?
- How did that go for you now?
- Have you ever been detained for more than six seconds at the passport check when returning to Ireland?
- Have you, or any members of your immediate family, come into contact with notions, and or delusions of grandeur in the last nineteen and a half months?
Rise and Follow Charlie
Please include, along with a stamped, self-addressed envelope, not exceeding two troighidí in length and nine ordlachí in width, and the following:
- The breath of wind generated by Cúchulainn’s sliotar.
- A Féile 92 poster, signed by Peter Campbell, Tipperaryman, founder of the Uruguayan Navy
- A piece of the skin of the salmon of knowledge (bradán feasa), roughly 1.12 billionth the size of one decent tir-cumaile (land required to graze three cows)
- A photocopy of the original certificate of authentication regarding said burned skin, signed by Mr Fintan mac Bóchra, or one of his agents, and witnessed by a living member of the Garda Síochána.
- This bullet point left intentionally blank for unspecified official purposes.
- Please indicate familiarity with the following: Sally O’Brien and the Way She Might Look at You.
- Have you ever fried an egg on a stone?
Mart and Market
- Are you the owner of a
- Honda Civic or, a
- Horse (Outside)?
- What is the rule about passing animals on the road?
- If it is “Slow down, give plenty of room, do not sound your horn or rev your engine” then continue. If you prefer not to pass animals on the road, see here.
- Full details of the applicant’s whereabouts during the May 18, 1996 Eurovision song contest, witnessed by a serving member of the Post & Telegraphs, or failing that, someone who was once claimed to have eavesdropped on the utterings of Ms. Peig Sayers as she queued at Supermacs Killarney in the early hours of a Saturday morning.
- If the applicant has a date of birth later than the aforementioned date, please ask an adult to help you.
- Soda bread recipe, without referring to notes, with ingredients purchasable abroad, or transportable using carry-on own luggage on a well-known, Irish airline (Not Aer Lingus, the other one).
Scaoil amach an bobailín
- Did any of your forebears partake in the theft of grain ostensibly in the possession of Charles Trevelyan, on the premise of making toast for the chiselers?
- If yes, do you have cousins who speak with Australian accents?
- Use the words yoke, sprong and desh in the same sentence, with consuming intoxicating beverages (For those stating county of birth as Wexford only, like, or those who have a parent, grandparent, great-grandparent or probation officer from the aforementioned count).
- Where do you store your hurl?
- In me bag with me tackies
- On the mantelpiece
- Behind the front door
- Under the bed
- What’s a hurl?
- You are in Ireland – a blue Nissan, as is the tradition. It’s a not a leap year, but it is late February, around 4.30 PM (GMT) on a Wednesday, with a forecast for snow general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. There is no white line on the boreen. What side of the road are you driving on?
- An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an leithreas?
- State clearly how many shopping days to The Christmas, measured from your current location, stated in forrachí and expressed using a green ball-pointed pen.
- Please enclose seven stamped, signed, passport size photographs (35x29mm) of yourself with an embarrassed former celebrity that you met in Super Valu in Banagher on a wet Tuesday evening in November. Don’t forget now.
- 41 phases on February 3rd 2018. Do you have an alibi?
- Who is the current Irish President?
- Jorge Mario Bergoglio
- Maeve Higgins
- R. Kelly
- Erin Quinn
- Conor McGregor
- Kim Kardashian
- Dáithí Ó Sé
- Michael D Higgins
- Joe Schmidt
- Blindboy Boatclub
Please transcribe on an A4 sheet of vellum (one side only), smooth as the calves of the comely maidens dancing at the crossroads at which the four roads to Glenamaddy arrive. If you require assistance, please use our freephone number, and an Early Irish Monk will help you. Earlier the better.
Хороших выходных дня Святого Патрика!