Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 1

Dear Jim,
thank you for taking the time to correspond with me in this busy run-up to the General Election. I haven't slept in 72 hours, washed for 48 or eaten anything beyond some salted cashew nuts in the last 36 but, as per my manifesto promise, I am committed to answering each and every concern which my potential constituents bring to me, so that together we may build a better Ireland.

I welcome the many points which you made in your 62-page letter/2 GB e-mail and 37 minute podcast. I shall attempt to address some of the most pressing of the many concerns which you raised. Forgive me for not addressing the 147 numbered, cited and cross-referenced points detailed in Appendix C, but I have many constituents to respond to and shall limit myself to a few more general observations. I'm sure you understand.

Be assured Jim, neither I nor anyone in my party is a 'card-carrying member of the Illuminati'. Nor are any members of my party 'flesh-eating reptiles in poorly constructed man suits', as you seem to suggest in your lengthy section on 'the Financial-Industrial-Cannibalism Complex' which you seem to believe runs through the core of not just my party, but indeed Irish society itself.

Similarly, I am at pains to assure you that I have never, and indeed will never, submit myself to the 'gross, evil and barbaric pagan initiation rituals of the IMF/ECB banker cartel' which you detail on pages 36-42 of your letter. To put it plainly, I have never been an advocate for, or a fan of, placenta consumption and I'm not that wild about virginal blondes. Or dogs. I am, as my election materials state, a happily married man.

Furthermore, neither I nor any member of my party have ever taken part in the 'great, screaming Satanic masses in the Central Bank' you refer to where, you assert, 'comely maidens are gang-raped by cloven-hooved hedge-fund managers wearing Charlie Haughey masks' as they 'bray in unison to the strains of Mise Eire.'

Nor, I hasten to add, do I or any member of my party have 'intimate knowledge of the fleet of flying saucers' buried beneath Bru Na Boinne which you claim will 'burst forth from the crust of the earth on the day the new Dail is sworn in'.

Nor do I find myself in a position to agree with your assertion that this said fleet of flying saucers will 'rain death, famine and pestilence down upon the plain people of Ireland' in what you go on to describe as a 'cataclysmic orgy of rape, murder, raging fire, twisted metal and blood-soaked carnage', leaving the churned-up streets of Dublin 'ripe for colonisation' by a 'horde of blood-drinking, loan-sharking Eurocrats'.

I hope this letter finds you well and that you will find your way to giving me your No. 1 on Election Day.

I would also appreciate it if you would stop standing outside my constituency office and desist from approaching my wife in the local Spar.

Is mise le meas,
A. O'Candidate

Image from Flickr Commons, CC licence

HAHAHA!!!