Dead spiderman, facedown in a canal, Amsterdam
3121 views

Dead spiderman, facedown in a canal, Amsterdam By Pieter van de Park Amsterdam, June 22nd 2011 -- Authorities are investigating after well-known superhero Spiderman was found face down in an Amsterdam Canal this morning. A man, yet to be named, but said to be the proprietor of local 'coffee shop' The Green Goblin, is currently being questioned. Unconfirmed reports of an all-night skunk binge are thought to have led to the American superhero's demise. Amsterdam's mayor, Eberhard van der Laan, staunch defender of the low-lying city's cannabis-selling cafes, currently fighting a nationwide push to restrict tourist access to drugs said:...

2697 views

On Tuesday, an elderly British woman became the first inhabitant of the British Isles to visit Ireland in nearly a century. Her expedition included an army of security guards, short, fat dogs and the British 'Prime Minister' (similar to our Taoiseach). The British Isles are a small archipelago that lie to the east of the Irish mainland. The woman, who appeared to have borrowed her outfit from Iris was said (via a translator) to have been amused by the 'very odd accent' of the inhabitants. Taoiseach Enda Kenny was asked to comment, but was stopped from doing so by several...

2764 views

Government sources have revealed that a cabinet decision reached late last night, will result in the cancellation of this years St. Patrick's Day celebrations in Ireland. Blather.net understands that all parades, parties and festivities will be banned, and anyone found in breach will be liable to substantial fines, custodial sentences and/or deportation. The new Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Enda Kenny, is expected to make the controversial announcement within the next 24 hours; thought to be directly related to Ireland's ongoing financial crisis. Incoming Minister of Manipulation & Keeping Up Appearances, Fergus O'Flatulence, speaking to reporters early this morning, confirmed the...

2501 views

Following their historic victory over England in the Cricket World Cup, the entire Irish nation is this afternoon finally waking up to scenes of wanton carnage and drunken devastation following forty eight hours of unprecedented national celebrations. In what is being hailed as 'The Final Victory Against the Sassanach' (from Old Irish: meaning 'West Kraut'), many citizens are calling on the authorities to declare a national holiday in honour of 'Our Brave Fenian Boys' who snapped victory from the jaws of defeat whilst simultaneously ending 800 Years of English Obsession (TM). Within minutes of the win, in scenes reminiscent of...

Blather
2408 views

Enda Kenny, Ireland's next premier, is rumoured to be considering bequeathing the entire territory of County Louth to the British Crown. Anonymous Blather sources deep within the Fine Gael mothership suggest the ceding of the county is being seriously considered as 'a timely and appropriate gift to Her Majesty', Queen Elizabeth II, current reigning monarch of the United Kingdom, who is due to make a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland later this year. County Louth (an insignificant backwater and radioactive wasteland populated with feral tribes and smelling overwhelmingly of laundered diesel fuel and contraband cigarettes) has long been...

Blather
1322 views

Surprise, dismay and even 'bewilderment' reported as newly elected Sinn Fein TDs discover that the Republic of Ireland is a mostly functioning state and not the 'backward, famine-riddled, priest-ridden, dung-heap of in-bred mucksavages' they were expecting. Speaking on terms of strict anonymity, several newly-elected Sinn Fein TDs have told blather.net of their amazement at discovering that the state of the Republic of Ireland is 'mostly alright' and is not, as many had seemed to believe, 'a quagmire of unrealised nationalist aspirations governed by an elite of fat, Protestant farmers who rule over the Catholic masses like medieval barons' as they...

1235 views

Just days after being elected TD for Louth, Baron Von Gerry Adams has been criticised for "forgetting his roots", after he allegedly failed to make any mention of hunger striker Bobby Adams in a 30-minute period. Mr Adams' reported lapse occurred during a nationally-broadcast press conference, during a prolonged speech about economics. "Mr Adams has clearly lost touch with the will of the people in record time," said a Sinn Fein member, speaking under terms of strict anonymity. "There's people saying that the power has gone to his head and as a result shock and dismay are are rife throughout...

1138 views

Dear Constituent, Good morning. A fine Election Day to you. How are you? Did you sleep? You did? Excellent. Me? Ha. I haven't slept in four days. I haven't eaten solids for six. I can't even remember the last time I had a bowel movement. It may have been two weeks ago, in an Abrakestabra at 3 a.m. I'm not entirely sure. Anyway. The only reason I'm still physically standing is because of an unholy cocktail of billy whizz sulphate, dexys, benzos, amyl nitrate, cocaine and Lucozade sport. But do you hear me complain? You do in yer fuck. I...

1221 views

Dear Mr. O'Gill, Many thanks for your letter, which I received last Monday. As you know, I made a campaign promise to personally answer all manifesto related enquiries received; something which I very much regret in recent days. Your 735 page document, with its associated laminated maps, brochures, and cellophane wrapped 'sample products' has not, I'm afraid, given me any reason to change my mind. With the election almost upon us and time being of the essence, I fear this must only be a cursory reply to some of your 'suggestions'. Firstly, let me state quite clearly that I can...

1184 views

Dear Harold, My thanks for your kind letter of Thursday and the commemorative Lough Ness Monster key-ring and t-shirt you enclosed within. I shall, as per my manifesto promise, try to respond to all concerns brought to me by concerned citizens such as yourself. Election Day looms before me like the Grim Reaper on coke, but I shall, ever the public servant, try to address the many issues you raise in your letter. First, allow me to address, head on, the central request of your missive - that the Irish government fund a €3 billion project to scan, scour and...