Month: July 2003
Big Brother, solitary confinement and choking the chicken
Ok. I admit it. I was at home alone. I was desperate. It was either watch Big Brother, or watch yet another tedious fucking home improvement programme with 'oh so plucky and whimsical music' and Carol Voderman dragging her increasingly flabby arse around the screen... So I ended up watching Big Brother. I kmow: the shame. The SHAME. However, whilst i was half watching/half contemplating throwing myself out the window, a thought struck me. These poor bastards have been stuck in this house for about 60 days. That's 60 days with no privacy. 60 days with cameras following their every movement and action. Every gesture and nuance. Every room you visit and every word you say. Nothing, it would seem escapes the glare of the cameras. So, this got me to thinking. These poor sods have been stuck in this Max Clifford-like dystopian nightmare for almost two months without a...
An Army of Leprechauns
Taken from the 'never to be finished in a millenia of sundays' novel Mysterious Ways... Michael was having a rough day. He decided that a drink would be a good idea. A very good idea indeed... He shuffled through the door of the pub and straight to the bar without looking at any of the forlorn figures who were scattered around the tables and chairs. “Howdy pardner” said Conor from behind the bar. He was a tall and gaunt man, with unkempt black hair and huge, bent Roman nose which had quite obviously seen better days. His chin was decorated with a short beard and his top lip with an enormous handlebar moustache. He was also notable for his enormous feet and hands, a fact which a great many women seemed to take notice of. “Evening Conor” said Michael, forcing a half smile out of the corners of his down-turned...
Leather Suits
The ectasy of Irish motoring and spelling mistooks... Was driving to Galway last Friday... between Kilcock and Enfield, saw a sign outside out a house advertising 'Leather Suits'. 'Leather suits? Who the fuck wears leather suits?' I thought. Who stops and buys clothes at houses on the N6 anyway? Was I driving to into some midlands kinkiness? Would I get a free coffee enema when I stopped for petrol in Kinnegad? Would that rest-stop place in Athlone have a sex shop & auto factor combo, sandwiched between Dominoes Pizza and MacDonalds? Was JG Ballard involved? Of course, about 2km later, I copped on... what they meant was 'leather suites... as in furniture. Reminds me of when, some years ago, I was on a bus from Wexford to Waterford, which had stopped to pick up passengers in New Ross. By the quayside was a burly bearded trawlerman, in wellington, a thick...
Quark of the Covenant Found
Lost subatomic particle lost, then found again... An Irish doctor who found a missing subatomic particle in his attic, has flown it back to its home in the Petersburg Nuclear Physics Institute in Russia. The particle is thought to be the Quark of the Covenant. Ian McLenin, from County Donegal, recognised the tiny particle, a pentaquark, captured it and quietly flew it back to Russia. It had been taken from Russia in 1812 by a French secret agent. The pentaquark, five-quark particle, is thought to have been used to fuel the the Israelites trip to the Promised Land, where they supposedly took the 10 Commandments. Dr McLenin, who found the Quark of the Covenant last month, said: "It was quite emotional, and I had to hunt it down like a dog. My attic is in a terrible mess. A subatomic particle is a sacred thing; you can't look at it...