Christmas with Blather: More cautionary tales…

What NOT to do when chatting women up over the X-mas period…

Another cautionary tale from the bowels of’s decidedly seedy archives
When I was about 20 years old, I had devloped a rather idiotic mini-crush on a girl that drank in my local pub. I didn’t know her name but I knew she was the cousin of a girl that i did know, so on an x-mas eve, I went up to her cousin to see if I could wrangle an introduction. Now, bear in mind that I have never spoken to this girl that I like. And as I speak to the girl that I do know I am having to yell out loud over the roar of the music and 800 people in the pub (this is Xmas eve remember…).
After some brief and drunken chit-chat, I asked what this other girl (the object of my affection) is like. Now, what I heard was:
‘She’s highly autistic’
I was a bit surprised but curious. I have an autistic nephew and I guess it was on my mind (it being chrimbo and all).
“That’s amazing’ sez I, ‘she’s so normal, like?”
“Ehm. Yes. Eh, what do ye mean?” sez she.
“Well, ya know” I said knowingly, “they always seem so difficult, ya know?”
“Um. Not really, no, what do you mean?” sez she.
Now by this stage, three or four other women are beginning to listen in, curious like. Damien ploughs on undettered, desperately trying to sound intelligent.
“Well, like (slight pause to gather thoughts) well, yeah, I have a nephew you see…”
Several hawk-like gazes meet me.
“… a nephew like that, and, well, you know, he’s always running around the place with his bags off, shitting on the floor and all…’
“You know, with his willy hanging out and screaming…”. My voice faded away under the withering gazes that were bearing down on me.
I stumble on: “So eh what does she do?”
“She goes to NCAD” sez she.
“She does?” sez I in a ultra-patronising voice, “wow, isn’t that amazing?”.
“Yes, she studies art
“Ahhhh… I see. Mmm. Very good. I’ll ehm, be ehm, back in a minute…”

Damien DeBarra was born in the late 20th century and grew up in Dublin, Ireland. He now lives in London, England where he shares a house with four laptops, three bikes and a large collection of chairs.