In a move reminicscent of Ireland’s own superhero Roy Keane, Superman, the Kryptonian prince has shocked and amazed good earth folk everywhere by refusing to rescue a six year old cat called ‘Tootles’ from a tree in downtown New York, late last night.
In an incident that Cristiano Fordor Mondeo, the Mayor of New York described as a ‘staggering outburst’, the Man of Steel is reported to have snapped when called upon to rescue the wayward feline by pensioner Flo Krabapple, of Lee Avenue, Queens and said ‘What do I look like to you? A f**king boy-scout? Do I look like Orlando Bloom do I? Ha? Bitch?’
It appears that he of the outside-underpants was enjoying an evening stroll when he was approached by the zimmer-framed septugenarian. She is alleged to have asked the lycra-clad one whether he would be so kind as to resuce the meowling creature when ‘Soops’- as he is known to many journalists – let fly with his volley of scorn.
Journalist Clark Kent, who secured an exclusive interview with Soops, outlined some of the superhero’s concerns. ‘This guy works about sixteen hours a day. 7 days a week. He really does. It just never stops. Train derails? Call Superman. Car crash? Call Superman. Nuclear reactor meltdown? Call Superman…”
But it’s not the life-saving deeeds of derring-do that the alien objects to. It’s the mundane, ho-hum everyday stuff that really gets up his nose. “It used to be that Soops was called out only on matters of grave importance” says Kent – “nuclear explosions, supernovae and the likes. Now it seems that every in-bred, shit-thick yokel figures he can be as stupid as he wants to be because, no worries, Soops will sort it out. Flat Tyre? Call Superman. Can’t program the video? Call Superman. Burst a condom and can’t get yer finger out of yer missus’ pipe? That’s right – call frigging Superman. The cat was just the last straw…”
But it doesn’t stop there, Kent told us: “maybe what’s really upsetting him is even his greatest triumphs have been ridiculed. No one takes his clothes seriously…” he said in exasperated fury, “the other week Soops flies into this football stadium in Yorkshire, England because some retarded goober of a linesman is about to be torn limb from limb by a horde of English apes because he ruled some goal offside. Soops does his thing and the next thing you know the crowd are chanting ‘Lo-isssss takes it up the aaaaas’ and so on. One kid was holding up a sign saying ‘F*ck off back to the States you Yank Bastard’. I mean this just isn’t acceptable behaviour…”
The horde of English apes were unavailable for comment.