Dress code inspection at the new changing facilities, Knock, Co. Mayo, Ireland.
In an attempt to crack down on rising numbers of wanton hussies, tramps and harlots attending the world famous Marian Shrine at Knock (Saudi Irelandistan), the Irish Catholic Church has instigated a new dress code for female pilgrims. The personal attire of all women and girls over the age of ten will now be assessed at each entry point by male security guards and/or priests. Slatterns and wenches showing too much skin will be given a few harmless slaps and a firm talking to, before being forced to don a habit or a burka for the duration of their visit.
According to Fr. Phelim McCrotch, official Parish spokesman on women’s issues, the new ‘dress code guidelines’ which came into force in recent days have already netted results. “Only yesterday, we cornered a dirty little trollope who was showing far too much leg. We put her and her mother right about a few things, let me tell you. And not a moment too soon. I just wish we had thought this up a few years back”.
In his “over 20 years” at Knock, one the the most frequent criticisms by pilgrims had been about the lack of respect they felt was being shown by the dress of other pilgrims, “particularly young women”, he said. He is now determined to bring the Knock Bassilica in line with similar practices at Lourdes and the Vatican.
“You wouldn’t get way with that at St. Peters” he said, indicating a middle aged slapper wearing a T-Shirt with her bare arms brazenly on display. “And from now on, you wont get away with it at Knock”, before gesturing to a waiting goon squad who promptly wrestled the offending female to the ground, before bundling her into a burka.
“We have all manners of priests, young and old, that come here for some serious penitentials. They can’t concentrate on having an old pray if there are dirty Jezebels crawling around on hand and knees during the Novena, putting filthy thoughts into their heads with their sweet cheeks. Sure, isn’t that what got a lot of us in trouble in the first place?”
When questioned about the churches moral authority on such matters given the recent scandals within the Irish Church, Fr. McCrotch was equally dismissive. “Nonsense. The good little women of Ireland want to be told what to do. They NEED to be told what to do. We’ve been doing that for centuries in this country, and we’ll continue to do so, once we get over the recent fad for equality and the likes”.
“This is only the start of it. We have all sorts planned for the coming months and years. We’re bringing back ‘churching’ for women who’ve recently given birth. Not only will this keep a lot of the filthy floozies away from the church for a while, it will also generate a nice little earner for local priests charging for the ‘service’.
“A new range of women’s clothing ‘Strumpet Crumpet’ is currently being designed by Christian Dior made entirely of sackcloth. It wouldn’t be for everyone of course, some young women are particularly fashion concious and we’re not ‘completely’ stuck in the 10th century for Gods sake. No, for those younger types, we will also have a range of modern style hoodies emblazoned with cool, hip logos and catchphrases, such as: “Its all my fault”, “Apple Eater”, and “I’m a prostitute, get me outa here”.
“In fact, and I’m probably not supposed to let this out of the bag yet, but we’re in advanced consultations with Bob Dylan concerning the popular Irish pop group ‘The Priests’ bringing out a cover of ‘Rainy Day Women’ for next Christmas. Such a song speaks volumes to the young Irish woman of today and carries a very important spiritual message concerning the fate that awaits them should they step out of line”.
“Yes, there will likely be the usual feminist backlash of course, but such people are hardly in our prime target demographics, i.e. those who
buy into subscribe to the idea that an apparition of imaginary characters holy figures appeared here in the 19th century. And anyway, we have plans for any Irish woman who might get a bit lippy about the new changes. Its called the ‘bitch muzzle’ and will retail at â‚¬19.99 from all good Catholic sacristies”.
From the Library of Virginia, used under a flickr commons licence.