[DUBLIN] Irish TDs (members of parliament) moved this morning to distance themselves from the latest scandal involving alcohol to hit Leinster House (The Irish Parliamentary Building). In a bizarre incident, police officers were called to the Dail at 1am last night, following reports of a solitary TD working late in his office.
According to reports from the cleaning staff, the TD concerned had apparently been there since 3pm the previous afternoon, studying the latest financial watchdog’s report into the ongoing criminal waste of taxpayers money by the Irish government. “We figured that was a bit strange all right”, said one staff member, “But when we heard the call for closing time at the Dail bar and saw that he still wasn’t budging, we decided to alert the authorities”.
Speaking at a hastily arranged Garda news conference this morning, details of the incident were relayed by Detective Garda Fiachradh MacFluthered, who was the first on the scene after the initial 999 call. “Responding to a member of staff’s concerns, I approached the office in question, where I had occasion to observe a well known deputy seemingly hard at work. My suspicions were immediately raised and when I entered the office, I questioned the individual as to his reasons for being there. At this stage, I was close enough to be able to smell his breath and I quickly established that there was no sign, trace or smell of alcohol from him”.
“I then asked him directly, whether or not, he had drink on him and to my complete surprise, he openly admitted that he had not. In fact, judging by the hack of halitosis off him, I gathered that he hadn’t had a drop for a while. I queried him as to whether or not he realised that closing time had in fact come and gone and that there was no chance now of his getting a few pints in, before driving home. He replied that this was ‘fine’ and that he ‘no desire’ to partake of any alcoholic beverages at this time. It was at this point, that I informed him that I was arresting him under suspicion of being sober while in charge of the country”.
TDs from all sides of the house were quick to condemn the unprecedented events of last night. “I’ve been a deputy here for twenty-two years”, said Paidi O’Polluted, Fianna Fail TD for Langered West, “and I can honestly say that I’ve never seen the like. Its not right, I tell you. Its just not right. This is the action of a single, sober member of the house and should in no way be considered representative of the majority of honest decent drinking deputies that abound the length and breadth of this great country.
“He’s a thunderin’ disgrace”, declared Garoid McGeeEyed, Fine Gael TD for Scuttered South, “Bringin’ shame down on all of us. I can personally vouch that every single TD in this room was dropping fat frogs, cowboy cocksuckers and slippery nipples from yesterday lunchtime onwards. Sure, see him over there? He couldn’t even stand. We had to wheel him into the jacks to take a piss, but sure none of us could even manage to get his bleedin’ zipper down, we were that feckin’ mangled”.
It is now thought that an emergency general meeting of the Dail’s Sub-Committee on Sobriety will be convened within the nest 24 hours in order to discuss the possibility of official sanction against the TD in question. The unparalleled speed of the response is due, in large part, to the fact that all four members of the committee are currently having their stomachs pumped at the same Dublin city hospital and will likely be recovering on the same ward.
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