Ireland Introduces 'Ave Maria Law'

[DONEGAL] Hot on the heels of the much-lauded ruling from a district judge who sentenced an Irish man to a pilgrimage up the side of Croagh Patrick for swearing at a member of the Gardai (the Irish police service) calls have been made by senior members of the judiciary to move quickly to impose 'Ave Maria law', which would see a dramatic increase in secular crimes being punished with overtly Catholic sentences.

Initial reports given to the Blather offices suggested that the Irish judicial system was to be temporarily reworked in honour of papal visit to Britain. For one week only, Irish judges were to impose Decades of the Rosary sentences as standard for most petty criminal offences before the courts.

However, given the positive reception for the Croagh Patrick sentencing it has been proposed that 'scantily clad bitches' (or 'witches' - there was a crackle on the line at this point), are to be burned at the stake in front of the Four Courts in Dublin. Furthermore shop lifters are to be placed in stocks and forced to endure sermons by the Legion of Mary. Pioneer mobs will roam the capital dragging drunkards from pubs and imposing flagellation fines.

Catholics across the country have broadly welcomed the proposed establishment of the new parallel court system. Bishops just back from a fact finding mission in Saudi were said to be preparing a voluminous dossier to be submitted to the government. 'Bejaysus dem boys know how to do tings over there', a source told us.

Our source drew short, however, of agreeing that those found guilty of the crime of blasphemy would be charged before the courts with substantial fines and possible jail sentences as that would be 'just downright ridiculous'.

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