The Blather guide to being a real woman…
Inspired by this thread on P45….
1. Wear PVC cat-suits and terrify men
2. Wake up in the morning with perfect hair
3. Skydive out a low flying aeroplane moments after inserting a sanitary product into your unmentionables. smile like an idiot.
4. Flick your hair. A lot.
5. Dress like a crack whore femme-fetale and have men falling at your feet without ever sacrificing your feminist principles.
6. Be a hard assed space commander of a crew of roughneck yeehahs without compromising your essential maternal nature.
7. Strap on an enormous robotic exoskeleton suit and fight to the death with a snarling alien queen over a 8-year-old orphaned teddybear-clutching moppet
8. Take cold heartless multi-national to court using nothing other than your cleavage and sassiness. sue them for 800 billion dollars. Give cash to cancer riddled-townspeople.
9. Receive vision from god. convince a horde of toothless, murdering savages to rebel aganist evil king. go to war. butcher anything in sight. Die horrible but noble death trying to free your people after being betrayed by sneering, moustache-twirling nobleman.
10. Combine career as giggling, baton twirling, prissy high-school bitch with planet saving duties whilst only ever wanting to go shopping
11. Dress in an absurd leather and steel bodice. Kill people. Pout a lot. Have vaguely sub-lesbian relationship with plucky female companion. Backflip around screeching like a banshee in labour whilst kicking square-jawed men, who are trying to compensate for their small knobs by being evil, in the face.
12. Squeeze out 9 kids. Watch useless pisshead husband wander off. Sue the government for being sexist medieval assholes. Triumph in court.
13. Maintain relationship with charmingly dysfunctional parents while shagging handsome law enforcers and dragging felons to jail.
14. Get caught up with wrong crowd and witness a murder. Become an assassin for secret government plan. Fall in love with Gabriel Byrne. Go on blood-soaked rampage across stylish European city. Die saving president of Frances? life.
15. Build a spitfire in 3 hours
16. Grow enormous breasts. Hunt for ancient relics. Dive across gaping chasms and outrun enormous boulders. Fall off a lot of ledges. Get ogled. Exterminate several endangered species because they are standing between you and a sacred Tibetan dagger said to give eternal life to whoever has the courage to plunge it up their brown star.
17. Fly a four-engined Lancaster single-handed.
18. Drop out of school at 16 due to delinquency. Miss your daddy. Join elite all girl crime fighting team. Drive formual one cars, fly helicopters, giggle a lot, weather very tight leather pants and kick nine shades of shite out of cocky male villian. Save world.
19. Pay surgeons $250,000 to pull face tighter across bones, staple behind ears, increase breasts, remove a couple of ribs, shag as many teenage actors as possible, scowl at everyone who mentions St Elmo’s Fire , destroy world, get foiled by elite all-girl crime fighting team. Fume at their youthful bodies and acting pedigree
20. Engage in breathtakingly cynical relationship with other, younger, but equally untalented fuckwad in order to get one another in news. Die horribly.