The Blather Guide To Being A Real Man

(image by yersinia, used under a Creative Commons license)
The Blather guide to being a real man. Oh yes.

1. Open a bra with one hand.
2. Resolve Schroedinger’s equation for a Cobalt electron in an elevated energetic state.
3. Kill a live animal, skin it, cook it and eat it without salt.
4. Calm a wild angry grizzly bear by staring it into submission.
5. Find the clitoris.
6. Defuse a nuclear weapon in seven seconds.
7. Rescue a group of hostages from a burning building filled with East German terrorists, using nothing more than a half-empty machine gun, a vest and some duct tape.
8. Fly a harrier jump jet through a crowded city and strafe the side of a high-rise building with a vulcan cannon.
9. Rip off an ATM with a strip of chewing gum and a screwdriver.
10. Saw your own arm off from the elbow down using a comb, not flinching once.
11. Beat seven men half to death using only the objects lying around in a bar, then crack some caustic one-liner as the big angry alpha male simpers like a girl as he picks his teeth up off the floor and you saunter cheerfully out the exit.
12. Avenge your fathers’ death.
13. Make dogs whimper and run away by pointing at them.
14. Twitch uncontrollably and make great heaving and puffing sounds as you recount that time you machine-gunned a village of women and kids to your new partner whilst playing with a very large gun. Hate each others guts. Get shot at by slave-traders. Hug.
15. Drive a motorbike at 180 miles an hour down a freeway and throw yourself onto the bonnet of a drug dealers’ car.
16. Clear a room by standing in the doorway and snarling.
17. Spend thirty years being an embittered cold killer but then have your heart melted by an eight year old girl. Die tragically saving her life.
18. Get trained to hunt by an elderly Native American who sits around and sighs a lot. Ride lots of horses over hills to great sweeping music.
19. Melt Asia Argento’s cold ruthless Russian agent heart. Then drink like a pissed fish to numb the pain because she died in the big shoot out in her evil boss’ underground volcano lair whilst helping you defuse said nuclear device.
20. Go to war. Come home to find wife and child killed. Go on murderous rampage with large pointy weapon. Grow beard. Die a violent but noble death trying to free your people.
21. Earn the grudging respect of your superior officer after blowing up half a city/wrecking 25 cars/fighting off a horde of piranha with your bare hands.
22. Heal crippled kids after fighting off corrupt corporation in landmark legal case which brings a government/nation to its knees.
23. Meet sassy heroine who thinks you are a vile, foulmouthed lout. Insult her. Get a smack in the face. Smack her back. Take her to bed and give her the greatest seeing to she ever had in her life, until she’s begging you for more but you say ‘No, baby. This damn war ain’t gonna win itself’. Forget all about her next morning.
24. Fashion a rudimentary seagoing vessel from Coke cans and grass.
25. Pick shards of glass from your lascerated feet and never flinch. Bandage with oily rag. Soldier on.

damien

Damien DeBarra was born in the late 20th century and grew up in Dublin, Ireland. He now lives in London, England where he shares a house with four laptops, three bikes and a large collection of chairs.