Month: December 2003

Blather
681 views

A team of elite adventurers, maverick scientists and fornicating bloggers have shocked the scientific community today with a breathtaking announcement. "After almost two millennia of fruitless searching" said Professor Jim-Bob Gobstopper, "It would appear that we have done the unthinkable. We can reveal the secret of how to find the clitoris" The announcement has been greeted with shock, excitement and outrage by Dublin scientists, politicians and prostitutes. Professor Gobstopper, joined by a phalanx of white-coated colleagues, held a press conference at Dublin Castle this morning to elaborate on his findings. Blather.net dispatched its' award-winning Science/Celebrity Vaginal Surgery correspondent, Filthy Hack (pictured), to get the scoop. When vigorously cross-examined on the validity of this astonishing claim Gobstopper showed the thronging crowd of assembled scientists, saddlesniffers and pornographers some intriguing film footage - filmed, it would appear, on a mobile phone. After some unintentional amusement (when the Professor accidentally showed a video...

Blather
311 views

What NOT to do when chatting women up over the X-mas period... Another cautionary tale from the bowels of blather.net's decidedly seedy archives When I was about 20 years old, I had devloped a rather idiotic mini-crush on a girl that drank in my local pub. I didn't know her name but I knew she was the cousin of a girl that i did know, so on an x-mas eve, I went up to her cousin to see if I could wrangle an introduction. Now, bear in mind that I have never spoken to this girl that I like. And as I speak to the girl that I do know I am having to yell out loud over the roar of the music and 800 people in the pub (this is Xmas eve remember...). After some brief and drunken chit-chat, I asked what this other girl (the object of my...

Blather
362 views

Okey doke. I decided I'd save this for a special occasion and seeing as it's christmas and the eve of the new year, well, here goes then? A couple of years ago, I badly hurt my back (displaced vertebrae) and after a couple of months on my arse and going in and out of chiropractors and shiatsu masseuses I decided it was time to get the finger out and do something. So, I resolved to join a gym and did so the first week of January. After my general fitness was tested (I turned out to be small number heartbeats away from death) they set me loose on the machines. Things went well. In fact things went so well, that after a week of this, I began to believe that I was not a runt-like short-arse with the girth of a garden rake, but that I was rather, Bruce Willis....

Blather
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Seeing as google are trying to censor us, this is my contribution to turning Blather into a seeething cess-pit of filth and depravity... Hmmm. So, there I am watching TV. Shouting at Blair and the Shrub as they spew forth another pile of effluence about multilateralism in the New World Order and how Iraqi insurgents are shitting in their pants with fear, when my companion points out a rather strange sight. There's no polite way of saying this, so I'll just come right out with it. There was a man standing on a balcony directly opposite our building, bollock naked, knob in hand, whacking one out. Fucking scumbag. I can't see the guys face (he's too far away) and I'm quite sure that he can't see us, but just what the fuck does he think he's doing? I'm borrowing a digital camera and I'm going to snap this bastard the...

Blather
398 views

As dedicated followers (all two of you) of my adventures in Las Espanas will know, I got myself a new flat almost two months ago... This is a spacious and altogether pleasant place. But of course, there's a hitch. This is me, after all. The hitch comes in the form of the two other people sharing the flat with me: the pair whom I affectionately refer to as 'the frogs'. I know it's rather cruel to be stereotyping nationalities in this day and age, but then again I'm a cruel heartless bastard. Things have been, for the most part, just fine. There's the occasional silence regarding the piles of dishes in the sink, but mostly tranquility reigns supreme. That was, until Monday this week... On Monday, I answered the door to see Ana, an eighteen year old spanish girl (Belgian and French family) who was asking us could we 'help...

Blather
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Sick fish and a pasted-in blatherboy. Doncha love that Google, eh? A gentleman by the name of Andrew Lange emailed me earlier today, telling me that he'd found a Googlewhack on blather.net. He'd found 'superimposition blatherskite' in the Klaatu Barada Nikto article on Blather.net So I tried my hand at it. Found valetudinarian conger. Whoohoo! A Googlewhack, by way, is when you search for two words (without quotes) in Google, and come up just ONE result. Getting a fat zero doesn't count. It's not too difficult: Thought of an obscure word: valetudinarian. Then did composite searches valetudinarian banana (21) get more obscure: valetudinarian starfruit (0) valetudinarian pomegranate (4) valetudinarian absinthe (2) - getting close valetudinarian absinth (1) - part of a list, so it doesn't count... think, think think... fish! conger eel! valetudinarian conger (1) tada! Update: Got another: 'snark derailleur'. Visit www.googlewhack.com

Blather
358 views

The latest craze in Northern Ireland - crashing tractors! Here's Monday's surreal news of the day... Young farmers in a rural area outside the Co Antrim town have taken to using their tractors to perform an unusual rite of passage, in which they deliberately steer their vehicles at road signs and plough them over (Irish News) More from IC Northern Ireland >> More from irishnews.com (needs registration)>>