Thousands of pilgrims make now rushing way to grottos around Ireland. Moving statues, virgin marys – we’re used to them. But Britney’s breast?
By Special Corredespondents Damien & daev
A recent appeal on the Blather website requested readers, blatherskites and stalkers to furnish us with anecdotes or apocrypha data concerning the mass hysteria about ‘moving statues’ which gripped the island of Eire during the early to mid 1980s. As is detailed in the appeal, great hordes of us Paddys seem to have undergone simultaneous hallucinations. Our appeal asked for details from witnesses.
We’ve had some interesting correspondence on the matter, but none were half as startling as the bizarre reports that oozed into our in-tray this morning.They concerned completely unsubstantiated sightings of Britneys Spears’ left breast. The mammarian apparition has been (according to the jungle drums) seen in holy grottos in Co. Longford and Co. Laois and (even more surprisingly) in Clontarf, on Dublin’s northside.
Details are vague at this time, but we were able to speak to Humourless McFuckwit, local Clontarf politican and historian: “I’m not really sure what to make of this. We’re kind of used to wacky things happening around here. It’s an odd community to be honest, populated with all types. Odd stories are always being discussed in the parish, whether it be over a pint or in the GAA club. A few months ago we had a gang of treasure hunters scouring for lost treasure in the tunnels under Clontarf Castle and then only recently we had some scientists claiming to have found a clitoris during one of their bizarre sexual experiments on Dollymount. As far as I’m concerned, things have never been the same since the corpo decided to put fluoride in the drinking water…”
Mrs. Margaret Sweeney, of Horseleap, Co. Laois, was at the new Grotto at Ballybuggy, Rathdowney, Laois on Sunday last, where she was seen massaging a set of <!–
anal –> rosary beads, her lips mouthing the lyrics to Hit Me Baby One More Time.
“Oh, I think she’s only great’, said Mrs. Sweeney, a strapping widow of 87. ‘I hadn’t worn my school uniform in 60 years. I got it out of the moth-balls, and got the son-in-law to drive me for a night on the tiles in Portlaoise. I hear there’s talks of her playing Mountmellick soon. I can’t wait!”
Seamus Collick, of Aughnacliffe, Co. Longford appears to have designs on Britney; “Sure isn’t she only great? The best news all week sure is that she got that weddin’ to that young lad cancelled after the fact. I’ve been sending her electric emails all week, with fierce hot stuff in them. I’ve told her me milk quota and how much set-aside I have. When the rest of her appears over here, I’ll be taking her for a night out in the The Boomerang Bar in Granard!”
Further rumour mongering has centered on what purports to be a photo of the phantom jab, which is currently doing the rounds by the electric e-mail. We are unable to publish it at this time, pending legal consultations. When we have finished our deliberations we shall endeavour to bring you a pristine shot of Britney’s tit(s).
More as we get it…
Update: 19 January 2004
The phenomenon is mentioned in the Ballyhoo Examiner! »