Month: August 2004

Blather
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Finally, a list that lists what we are most interested in: lists! The exciting activity of list-writing has gripped the public imagination in recent years. Some say it is at the expense of "traditional" journalism, but whoever says that should rank no.1 on a list of terminal bores. We will not cease in our list-writing until it has taken over not only 1. newspapers and 2. websites, but 3. novels and 4. poetry too. The no.1 film of all time in a few years time will without a doubt consist of little more than a "list" of scenes, with audiences on the edge of their seats waiting to find out "what number 1 is." Here we present, for the first time this week, our definitive list of the Greatest Lists of All Time. We polled the world's greatest obsessive list-writers and this is their top 10. 10. The Sight and...

Blather
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Flat European state gets its first mountains... In a move to foster a closer relationship between the Netherlands and Ireland, the Irish Minister for the Environment, Heritage and Local Government , Mr Martin Cullen today presented his Dutch counterpart, Ms Sybilla Dekker, with a gift of the Slieve Mountains (formerly of Co. Laois). The mountains, recently dismantled, are currently being loaded upon several ships in Dublin port. The mountains are expected to arrive in Utrecht in early September, where they will be reassembled in time for Christmas. 'This is a great day for our two countries', said Minister Cullen. 'Ireland is riddled with a plethora of hills and mountains, and in the west of the country and down below in Wicklow. Most Irish people didn't know that the Slieve Blooms were in Laois, or even where Laois is. After several million years of an incongruous existence in the Irish midlands,...

Luas Tram, Dublin
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Mayhem in the ranks of pot-heads ensues as Government clamps down... Uproar has greeted the introduction of Dublin's new light-rail system, Luas, which was unveiled this month. Numerous complaints have been lodged with gripes ranging from the outrageously overpriced fares, the garish colour-scheme, the total absence of blank spaces to vandalise, the distinct absence of that much-loved stench of urine and the almost hilarious fact that the two lines do not connect. However, depsite the many grievances which have been acknowledged by Luas authorities, the latest bug-bear to rear it's ugly head, is the complete unroachability of Luas tickets, which has left Dublin stoners aghast. Says Humourless McFuckwit (Clontarf-based President of 'M.O.N.G') "...this is simply unacceptable. First they outlaw smoking a fag in a pub, and now they foist these new bloody tickets on us..." The row stems from the fact that previous rail tickets (manufactured from old-fashioned, straight-ripping card)...