Do you spend your days twittering like an inane idiot in online chat clients? Are you having a long-distance relationship with a woman who claims she loves you madly but who you secretly suspect is shagging her way across the European Union? Want a change to your usual online heavy breathing antics? Wanna see your missus mash her big soapy tits into a webcam and jiggle like a bellydancer at 12 frames a second? Then we’ve got the thing for you: Blatherskyte Industries release BeanFlickr 2.0 (play annoying jingle) : quality webcam smut for the wanking masses.
Revolutionizing communications technology, BeanFlickr2.0 (play annoying jingle) will deliver the new-media and communications revolution that the sci-fi movies of the 80â€™s promised us: high-resolution cybernookie. Or, “e-porking”, as insufferably smug industry insiders and impossibly cool, self-hyping blogs call it.
Blather.net dispatched its’ chief of Incomprehensible New Media Techbabble, Obi-Wan YackHammer, to talk to Trinity ‘Samwise’ Doran; the 36 year old, Belfast-born CEO of Blatherskyte Industries.
Blather: So what can we expect from Beanflickr 2.0 (play annoying jingle)? Whatâ€™s the killer upgrade?
Samwise: Well, essentially this software provides high-quality, video-phone for nothing more than the cost of the broadband connection that you’re already paying for. Itâ€™s a suite of applications that letâ€™s you send e-mail, texts, phone calls, images, enables mp3 sharing, video streaming of hardcore French-midget porno, smoke signals, GPS navigation, global satellite tracking, full gaming console, DVD-quality Russian milf action, Big Ben, the Big Bang and the Beatles all rolled into one orgasmic interface. It’s Bob Fuckin Holness.
Blather: And the porn?
Samwise: Man. The porn. Well, look, the latest I can tell you is that, in less than the 48 hours since we launched the Beanflickr2.0 (play annoying jingle) package on to the web â€“ for free â€“ various inhuman subcultures have already sprung up, “e-volved” (waggles fingers in air) if you will, and been classified by random wikipedias from Sydney to New York.
Blather: Tell us more.
Samwise: Well, you have the doggers. You know, they watch each other shagging and so on. Then thereâ€™s the rimmers (sighs whilst counting off on his fingers), the bukake queens, slug-gobblers, horse fetishists, fish fuckers, furry felchers, nappy sniffers, spandex spankers, squirrel wankers, fags, hags, Republicans and Scientologists.
Blather: A perverts paradise no less?
Samwise: You got it chief. Itâ€™s the end of Civilisation. Six weeks from now? Itâ€™s gonna be raining shit.
Skype (play annoying jingle) launch version 2.0
Image from World Gurning champion
The Guardian: Skype, with added video