Outsourcing, globalisation and increased cost of knee-capping blamed by regional IRA commanders. ‘A disaster for the whole fuckin’ community’ says murky, balaclava-wearing figure.
(BELFAST) The IRA today announced several hundred lay-offs, effective from tomorrow morning 9 a.m. The shocking move comes at the end of a period of intense market speculation, which has focused on the organisations’ ability to compete in the new global terrorism market: a market which many cocaine-fuelled tabloid hacks and a small army of syphilis-riddled market analysts have begun calling ‘Terrorism 2.0’.
The economy of the European Union has been in a period of transition: with the inclusion of the ten new member states, an axis of power has shifted from employees to employers in the older member states. The associated economic impact has been felt globally and, at a local level, made it increasingly more and more difficult for businesses like the IRA to makes ends meet.
‘We simply can’t compete’ said an IRA spokesman, yesterday. ‘The cost of doing business, [pushes glasses up nose] is becoming prohibitive in Ireland now. The market has been flooded by cheap Eastern-European labour. These guys will do four times the work at one quarter of the going market rate. They’re qualified, they’re motivated and they don’t expect double-time on weekends’.
A range of services including knee-cappings, racketeering, general maiming, pant-wetting intimidation and battering drug-dealers to within an inch of their lives have always been the portfolio of a home-grown workforce, but now former Eastern-block countries are offering an abundance of experienced, talented terrorists who will do the same job, for a fraction of the price.
“Add to this, the salient (and all too-often overlooked) fact that there are a small army of scum-bags south of the border willing to off your mother for the price of a Ryanair flight to Alicante, and you can begin to appreciate [waggles fingers in air] ‘the sitch-ey-ay-shun’. Market erosion had been a steady and ever-present factor on the business landscape since the mid 1980’s, but now we find ourselves under siege” said a large, tattooed man that we met in a Belfast car-park.
And it’s not just the Republicans who have had to make cuts. In addition to the challenges faced by the IRA, high labour costs and strictly enforced union rules have meant that the UDA have been forced to make radical changes to their employment structures.
‘Basically, these Polack lads will come in, hack an arm off, kick a head in, shit on you and throw you in a bog for roughly one third of the cost that one of our lads will do it for’ said an almost entirely tattooed man who we met whilst taking a piss in Starbucks. ‘We can’t compete against that. We just can’t,’
‘I mean seriously like, throw in the fact that these head-the-balls have some serious muscle behind them and well, I dunno man; let’s just say that things aren’t looking good for us right now… ye know what I mean like?’ he informed us with leaden solemnity.
Looking forward, the future appears problematic for paramilitary organisations. In the wake of this news, it has been suggested by several prominent defrocked priests and a cross-border Government shit-tank, that the only solution may be a drastic one: make all staff immediately redundant and re-register the organisations in an entirely different country, where management can take advantage of a more favourable tax regime and the cheaper cost of labour. Like Colombia.