Month: March 2006

948 views

Despite the prolific downing of bottles, jeroboams and even buckets of alcoholic liquid, no-one approached the toilets; the tension ran so high in that room that we just sweated it out. The question on our minds was: who would win the prestigious Blather Award for 2006? The competition was fierce; everyone had a chance this year. Rotund, bespectacled Seamus 'Elephant' Crosbie, Managing Director of Blather Soft Drinks and Web System Solutions (a subdivision of Killkid Aircraft Weapons Solutions Inc., registered in Fort Worth, Texas) approached the podium with the glittering golden envelope and read out the nominations. DeBarra's head fell into his hands, gripping his full hair with his nervous fingers. A well-remembered Republic of Ireland penalty shoot-out came to mind. Did we have a Dave O'Leary on our team? Unshaven, influenza-eyed Kavanagh turned a bleary, wistful eye to the windows, wishing he was far away from this swanky hotel...

321 views

Shock, dismay and outrage greeted today's announcement that members of the Irish clergy stand accused of keeping a respectful distance from children and not violently buggering every child under the age of ten to death with an assortment of prize-winning vegetables. The allegations were carried in today's newspapers after the publication yesterday lunchtime of a 600-page report on the sexual and private activities of 2,000 members of the Irish clergy. Over the period of seven exhaustive months, the Priests were polled, examined, briefed, de-briefed, probed, prodded, strung up on meat hooks, slapped around the head with a copy of the Bible whilst a large, hairy tattooed man called 'Big Osama' screeched passages of the Koran at them through a 30 foot megaphone whilst pelting them with balls of altar boys' shit. 'I'm horrified,' said Colm O'Pinionated, a local politician from Ballybanjoplucker, Co. Donegal. 'It's outrageous behaviour - quite simply unacceptable...