Special Blather correspondent Elimare, regales us with a charming Christmas tale, inspired by the annual Xmas display in the Brown Thomas windows, on Dublin’s Grafton Street. Taken from the ever-readable blog ‘Severe Jam Damage’, ‘A very Eli Christmas’ looks at the other side of the holiday season in Ireland – the one that the tourist board probably doesn’t want you to know about. Photo by Elimare.
Twas the night before Xmas
And quicker than quick
The whores and the sluts
were turning their tricks.
The hookers were trussed up
in leather and lace
and the Johns paid extra
to cum in their face.
And the dealers in shell suits
driving white nissan vans
watched from the alley
and made silent plans.
The knocking shops buzzed
with the noise of the crowd
and the dildos and sex toys
were equally loud.
When in the bordello
There arose a big fight
‘Can I wear your suspenders?!’
‘Go ‘long and shite!’
‘He paid me for straight up
no bondage, no cuffs
Then he got busy
and then he got rough’
The little fat man
stood shrivelled and old
He was half naked
(I presume it was cold)
His eyes were like saucers
His nose red as berries
His back like a caterpillar
crawling and hairy.
The doorman was angry
and let a great roar
‘Fuck off we don’t want your kind
round here no more!’
‘All I wanted was something
a little special for me
A whip, or a gimp mask
a lashing or three’
‘Some silken stockings
A studded dog collar
warm fluffy handcuffs
I’ll pay you in dollars!’
‘Nipple clamps, basques
a long feather boa,
A tight fitting corset
on a girl from Balboa.
The girls they all scowled
and the bouncer grew huge
‘What the fuck do you think
This is the Moulin Rouge?’
‘We run a clean shop here
We’ll have none of that stuff
We can do anal
if you want to get rough.’
The little man sighed
and he pulled on his clothes
‘I’’ll find somewhere else
with better sex shows.’
He walked out the door and
went through the lane
past the junkies all lost
in their own world of pain.
They heard him shout out
as he walked out of sight
‘Yer girls are all ugly
and yer lap dancings’ shite!’
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Severe Jam Damage
Damn good.