Portugese police stepped up their investigations into the disappearance of Maddie McCann this morning, in particular their continued focus on Kate McCann, by officially declaring her a ‘haguido’, requesting permission to search her body for superflous nipples, signs of fornication with the great beast and finally to have her burnt at the stake for being blatantly more intelligent than the half-witted, strategically-shaved primates that are supposed to be leading the search for her missing child.
Blather dispatched its finest man, (fives-times blogger of year runner-up) the redoubtable Filthy Hack, to the resort of Praia da Luz in Portugal this morning, to speak to Chief Commisioner Luiz Felipe Incompotentio [pictured]. ‘Clearly, it is obvious to us at this point,’ he stated ‘that having exhausted all avenues of investigation in this case, that the only logical explanation for Maddie’s disappearance, is to make a wild stab in the dark and insist, in the face of all rational reason and the testimony of seven of the McCann’s friends, that her own mother was responsible for her death’ he declared. We now print the rest of this exclusive transcript here.
Filthy Hack: Can you talk us through the particulars of what happened that night?
Incompotentio: Well, we believe that some time before eight p.m. that evening, Mrs. McCann commited an act which led to her daughters’ death. She and her husband then calmly hid the body, went to dinner with seven friends, laughed the entire way through, sent two friends to the apartment to make sure that it looked like they were still concerned, came home at ten p.m. and then called the police to report their daughter missing. Sometime in the following weeks, under the 24-hour glare of the media, at a time when they couldn’t go to the bathroom for photograhers and camera crews…
Filthy Hack: Ya ha…
Incompotentio: … they took the remains of their daughter (after several weeks storage in the mid-summer heat) in a rental car to an unknown location, without being seen by anyone, and then buried her remains in a location known to no human being. Clearly, the only explanation is that Kate McCann is in league with Satan.
Filthy Hack: I see. And what say you to the allegations that your latest theory is a desperate ruse to draw attention away from the fact that you are a useless, bungling fucknut in charge of a team of knuckle-dragging retards who couldn’t find a prostitute in a Roman brothel, and that you have, in point of fact, made a total fucking arse of the investigation from start to finish?
Incompotentio: Well, I.. uhm… well, that is to say…
Filthy Hack: Ya ha. Perhaps some particulars would help. For example, there’s the small issue of you allowing the crime scene to be trampled on by an unknown number of randoms in the 24 hours after Maddie disappeared.
Filthy Hack: Whilst you’re thinking of an answer to that one, perhaps you can explain how the apartment was then rented out to other holiday makers when it should have been sealed and minutely scrutinised for evidence? Oh and while we’re on the issue, maybe you can let us know how it took you three months, that’s three months, to allow a proper sniffer dog team into the apartment?
Incompotentio: Well, you see tourism is a vital…
Filthy Hack: Yes, tourism. Perhaps you’d also like to explain how it is that you failed to bombard every train station, airport and shipping terminal with Maddie’s photo within three hours (when she was probably still within walking distance of the apartment) and how you failed to get her photo on every TV screen in the country that evening – as is now customary in the UK and USA?
Incompotentio: Well, the thing is…
Filthy Hack: Yes?
Incompotentio: Well, I mean obviously….
Filthy Hack: Hmm?
Incompotentio: Well, clearly she’s a witch.
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