Dramatic new evidence of the dangers of rogue jihadi animals emerged today as government scientists warned that a most harmful “stink” is flooding our streets. Crack Al Qaeda skunks have been caught on CCTV pissing, shitting and spraying London water services in an attempt to foul up the city’s drinking grog. ‘London water is a globally-recognised brand – known for it’s purity, cheap costs and chemical benevolence’ guffawed a Thames Effluence spokesman through barely controlled sniggers.
An un-named source at the Ministry of Baseless Scaremongering said that a lethal ‘Al Qaeda skunk’ (acting on orders from Osama Bin Laden’s cat) was responsible for flooding large parts of the Whitechapel area, after meddling with an unknown number of sewerage facilities and getting several members of the Thames Barrier maintenance crew monged on Grade A grass.
Random ‘facts’, plucked from the air like farts from the fog, were bandied about by government officials in an attempt to frighten the living bejesus out of as many rush-hour commuters as possible. Wildly sensational scare tactics accounted for 75 per cent of panic-attacks on the tube, said a cookie-munching stranger with an authoritative-looking clipboard who worked for an organisation with an instantly forgettable acronym.
He also revealed that rabid skunk attacks have shot up by 42 per cent, with nearly 4,300 animals confiscated by police and customs in the first half of this year from where they were shipped to a Guantanamo Bay petting zoo.
The revelations will increase the pressure on the Government to restore the skunk to its former class B status, reversing its decision to downgrade it to a class C terrorist.
The animals’ powerful stench can cause mental illness, say un-named, unqualified medical experts, and has led to a number of deaths by marmot-sniffing addicts said an anonymous, faceless, nameless spokesman for the Department of Wild Hyperbole (address unknown).
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has already announced a review of the animal’s status, quoting a Tory policy document which he nicked from Dave Cameron’s seat whilst the opposition leader skinned up in the House of Commons bog.
Deadly skunk floods city