Serial womb-raiders Madonna and Angelina Jolie are set to do battle over who gets final adoption rites on a brace of unwanted, ginger-haired Irish babies. The ruling will come after what promises to be a landmark Supreme Court ruling which, if the predictions of an army of twittering, micro-blogging failed actors, and talentless, unfunny comedians are to be believed, could see the floodgates thrown open to visiting celebrities who would then be free to adopt multiple ginger infants as they saw fit.
Following on from high-profile adoptions of Cambodian and Malawian babies, the latest ethnic minority to benefit from the unthinking largesse of wealthy, millionaire movie stars and ageing concrete-biceped rock queens is the ‘ginger Irish baby’, an estimated 10,000 of which have been abandoned in the streets of Ireland this year alone, a 4000% increase on previous years, according to figures worked out on the back of a beer mat by a raging drunk from the Department of Ridiculous Guff.
‘It’s the effect of the credit crunch’ says Martin O’Goot, a voluntary worker at justiceforgingers.com, ‘and there’s entirely too much of this class of thing going on’. Goot strongly feels that whilst the three-ring media circus which Madonna and Jolie have brought to bear on the issue of unwanted gingers can be useful, there are also unwanted side effects.
‘It’s a mad house out there, right now’ he went on, ‘With the catastrophic condition of the economy in recent months, combined with an outbeak of extreme ‘gingness’ in the ten square miles surrounding Limerick city, we’ve seen a huge issue emerge with ginger babies abandoned on the steps of churches, the doorways of government buildings and in the collection hatches of drive-in McDonalds resturants. Thankfully, Jolie and Madonna’s interests in adoption have triggered a wave of media interest, highlighting the plight of gingers. Six months ago you couldn’t give them away with a bag of chips and now every fucker wants one.’
But, O’Goot insists, there are dangers inherent in too much attention too quickly. Celebrity bloggers, gosspologists and staggeringly overpaid TV presenters reported that Paris Hilton had been spotted with a ginger baby’s head sticking out of her handbag in a Barcelona nightclub last week, fuelling fears of a ‘christmas puppy’ backlash that will, in the fullness of time, see these ginger infants abandoned in wheelie bins across downtown Los Angeles.
Recent reports (as well as off-the-record suggestions by member of the Gardai) have alluded to the illegal buying and selling of ginger babies on various, closed social networks and even suggestions of dedicated twitter feeds, facebook pages and blogs on the Irish Times website which, whilst appearing like innocuous news feeds, are actually elaborately coded sources for information on adopting ginger sprogs, scalp maintainance and useful tips on colour-coding with twins.
More as we get it.
Buy the Book
You know you want to. Go on, go on, go on.