‘Fuck you Mick. Fuck you.’
In honour of Deputy Paul Gogarty’s recent fit in Dail Eireann, and the newly announced efforts of The House to clarify what is and isn’t ‘parliamentary‘, we humbly present the The Big Blather Christmas Guide to Parliamentary Language and Behaviour.
1. As and of January 6th 2010, all TDs will hereby be addressed as ‘my nigga’. In the interest of fostering diversity and tolerance, ‘my wigga’ is also acceptable. ‘Homes’ is not.
2. Disputes (within the same gender) arising from any chamber debates will be resolved in the Dail carpark with a set of 18th century duelling pistols borrowed from the National Museum; wherein disputees will engage in a duel to the death, cheered by bikini-clad National Gallery tour-guides who will shout selected slogans of encouragement in medieval Irish verse to the strains of ‘Mise Eire’ performed by a coked-up Nine Inch Nails tribute band.
3. Deputy Gogarty will hereby require the attendance of a large retinue of Cavan-born female staff, whom he has the right to address as his ‘bitches and hos’ as they attend to his daily jumper-rubbing requirements.
4. Party leaders have the right to object to their opposite numbers’ assertions by way of a flying headbutt/WWF move launched from the visitors gallery above the chamber whilst screaming ‘BANZAAAAAAAAAAAAAIII!’. Failure to scream the appropriate term on the way down will result in a full-body wax from Willie O’Dea.
5. Disputes arising between deputies of different genders will be resolved by the placement of the male deputies’ face between the female deputies’ cleavage, the violent thrashing of his head from right to left whilst shouting ‘EMERGENCY BUDGIE. EMERGENCY BUDGIE‘ at which time the rest of the chamber’s occupants will alternate between chanting ‘MOTERBOAT! MOTERBOAT!’ and braying like donkeys.
Further suggestions for amendments to official parliamentary language and behaviour guidelines can be left at Deputy Gogarty’s office or in the comments section below.
And don’t forget, you can also join our own Ender Wiggan’s Unparliamentary Fucking Language Deemed Fucking Inappropriate For DÃ¡il Use group.