[Dublin] An attempt to storm the Irish parliament building last night came to a swift and sudden end following some quick thinking by the Gardaí (Irish Police) on duty outside its gate. Faced with a baying mob of about 100 people who broke away from a slightly larger demonstration, about 12 of Templemore’s finest successfully defended the seat of Irish power (alongside their sudoku puzzles and cups of cappuccinos) by ingeniously shutting the gates in the rebel scum’s faces.
Members of the mob were visibly shocked to find their coup attempt thwarted by such ingenuity. “It’s not a coincidence. We were set up. The cops were waiting for us”, said a frustrated Mr. Pinko, a hastily appointed spokesperson for the so called New Coddle Army, the organisation claiming responsibility for holding the demonstration. ” I mean I don’t THINK we got set up, I KNOW we got set up! I mean, really, seriously, where did all those cops come from, huh? One minute they’re not there, the next minute they’re there? I didn’t hear any sirens”.
In what has been described as one of the “worst coup d’Ã©tat attempts” since records began, Arthur Guinness, a spokesperson for the Guinness Book of Records who was on hand to witness the attempt, also labelled it “one of the shortest attempts too”, before adding “I can’t be sure until I check, but I’m pretty sure nobody else has ever been defeated so quickly”. I mean, really, even Chavez managed a few hours in his day. Plus the Soviets in 1991. Heck, even Caesar took longer to suffer being stabbed 23 times…”
“Frankly, I’m a little disappointed. You’d think with Ireland’s track record of these things that they would have put up a slightly longer fight. 1641, now that was a coup attempt. It ushered in years of war, famine and bloodshed on their own population, played a decisive part in leading directly to the English Civil War and ultimately the beheading of the King himself. 1798, another great effort which lasted for months. Lots of scraps all over the country during that one. Yeah, sure Wolf Tone never managed to set foot back on Irish soil under arms, but at least he put up a 3 hour fight at sea before getting slapped down, the mad bastard. As for the Fenian’s of 1867…well, despite making an absolute haems of things, such as blowing up their own people in prison and accidentally invading Canada, even those gobshites managed to last a few weeks. Which of course, brings us to the lunatic poets and cripples who took over the post office and a biscuit factory for a week in 1916. By the end of that one there were hundreds of Dubliners dead and whole streets of the capital blown to smithereens”.
“We had anticipated all sorts of similar shenanigans you know? Talk about throwing white elephants and red herrings at each other”.
“Its a national disgrace”, said a random codger passing by. “Sure, only last week, there was one of them stupid wanky facebook protests outside this place…even that managed to last for about an hour. Not like this shower of pansy cunts”, he said, before wrinkling his nose in disdain. “I tell yis…this country has gone to shite. They’re probably all on the dole too, bunch of unemployed tosspots”.
Garda Commissioner Moff O’Tarkin, later paid tribute to the professionalism of the Templemore Twelve, commending their bravery under fire. “Its a great testament to the quick thinking astuteness and highly trained skills of An Garda Siochana (The Irish Police Force). They train for these contingencies every week, you know. I mean, it was over so quickly, we never even had time to wake the Taoiseach (Irish Prime Minister) from his nightly drunken stupor. He’s still snoring now, as a matter of fact. I can’t wait to see his reaction in the morning.”
More as we get it.
From the George Grantham Bain Collection (Library of Congress) on Flickr.