Judge forces Dáil members to don ‘diapers’

A Dáil member having a smoke break outside Leinster House
(image from Cristian.torras used under a Creative Commons License)
[DUBLIN] TWENTY-SEVEN Irish TDs (members of parliament) have lost their High Court challenge to a controversial new Health & Safety regulation which requires politicians to wear ‘dung catchers’ suspended from their ears. Mr Justice Liam ‘No Shit’ Sherlock ruled that the incoming regulations were essential in order to manage the increasing amounts of bullshit emanating from Irish politicians.

The 27 TDs from across the political divide brought their proceedings against the Department of Orifices, Environment and the Bleeding Obvious, for an order forcing them to comply last year. They also argued that the dung catchers were in themselves dangerous and could result in politicians slipping on ‘yellow scuttery balls of their own shite’.
The departmental defence team denied all such claims. It also told the court there are some 15km (10 miles) of internal pathways and corridors within Leinster House (the Irish parliament) alone. One of the consequences of so many politicians, advisers and lackey’s plying their trade along those pathways was they were “consistently fouled” with rancid human excrement. “Its not so bad during the holiday periods, where practically every member of the house is away running their pubs”, said the counsel for defence, Mr. Henry Stools SC, “But that still leaves the remaining two months of the year when the place is worse then a fucking sewer”.
In his judgement, Sherlock ruled the imposition of the dung-catcher requirement was not made outside the provisions of the relevant 1932 Cute Hoor Act. The politicians also failed to make out a case of any attack on their constitutional rights, including their right to earn several livelihoods through double and triple jobbing, or of discrimination. The best way to prove their concerns on these issues would have been to use the diaper-like device concerned on a trial basis, the judge said. It was a matter of regret that they had refused to do this, no matter how ‘unhappy in their nappies’.

He said the government had a duty to manage, maintain and protect the Irish public from such harrowing smells, leakage and olfactory pollution. There is a much higher level of awareness now than 20 years ago and those with responsibility had to respond, the judge said. Irish citizens were now much more discerning than in the past and the political product being offered to them must reflect this. “Shit on a stick is just not good enough anymore”, he added.
The judge also referred to the potentially hazardous conditions posed by political bullshit on hard outdoor surfaces, especially when it rained. There were also problems with flies which, he said, constituted potential issues for health, welfare and safety. The presence of “reams and reams of damp, slippery, brown puddles of worm infested shit-slush” also posed potential problems for wheelchair-users and buggies, he said.
Speaking outside the High Court, Fianna Fáil TD Pat “the lad” Gombeen expressed outrage at the ruling. “Tis all very well for the smart arses from Dublin”, he said, “but us rural TDs have much further to travel. Some of us from the west take several hours to drive up and down. What are we supposed to do with all that shite building up in our faces, HAH?”
TD for North Co. Muck, Dan “G’wan d’fuck” McNulty agreed. “Its completey unworkable”, he claimed. “Its just typical. Nobody seems to have thought this through. What about the likes of Mary Coughlan? She’ll never make it past Drumsna! Its only been a few minutes since this ludicrous ruling came into force and Jackie Healy-Rae has already disappeared under a small mountain of self-induced silage inside the court. Even as we speak, my sources tell me that paramedics are desperately trying to free Bertie Ahern who is currently trapped in the Dáil basement with a rapidly rising flood of feculent, festering, foulness the likes of which haven’t been seen this side of the Black Death.”
Read more here and here.

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